Letter to the “Winner” of my Ex-husband

Dear Winner,

I felt the need to write to you because there are many things I have wanted to get off my chest. First, and foremost, congratulations on your win. My only concern at this time is the way with which you treat my children. The true victims of your crimes.

You may have the viewpoint that you “saved” my husband. That he was languishing in the relationship with me and that he needed saving, and I wouldn’t disagree with you. We had our problems. They were big ones. There were seemingly insurmountable odds. However, as a woman, you are the lowest of low to prey on a relationship of this nature as your own place of saving. You wooed him away. How difficult could it have been to convince a man dying of thirst that the water you were offering wasn’t less than the most delicious; no matter how filthy and putrid. You lured a man who had a commitment and a responsibility away from those commitments and responsibilities for your own personal gain. Each night you lured him away from his family, from being the father he should have been, from the husband that he should have been. Not that he was innocent. Like I said, he was dying of thirst. You were an oasis for him. Your understanding and sympathetic manners toward his undesirable predicament were a comforting place for him to retreat. Which makes you all the more despicable. You preyed on his weakness and need.

Knowing all this, I truly congratulate you as the winner. You have gained a man that you know in your heart to be a cheater. Someone who is capable of looking to other people or places when things get difficult and seem destitute. Someone who can be lured away by sweet words and promises of passion. You will forever have to be the doting, loving mistress in order to keep your man. And in the end, even then you may still lose him to another. You had to woo him with your acceptance that you would take whatever he could give, no matter how small. Because you accepted that each night he snuck away with you; that he would soon need to return to his true responsibility of his family. If you ever come to a place where things become difficult, there will always be that nagging feeling in the back of your mind that “maybe, just maybe, if he could do it once, he could do it again”. And honestly, for me, I thank you. That is not a feeling I ever want to experience. I want a man that is willing to fight for the things that are most important to him in his life. I would expect that if we were married, that I would be one of those things he was willing to fight for. My ex-husband has proved that isn’t who he is. You won’t be any more worthy than I was, because honestly, there was a time when I believed the same as you – that he loved me completely. My feeling was no less potent or valid than yours is today.

But I digress, the purpose was for me to address your treatment of my children. As I have no choice the extent to which you will be involved in my children’s lives, I expect that you should always defer to me as their mother. You will never be accepted as anything resembling a mother, as you will never need to since they have me already. This may, at some point, be frustrating for you, as they may come to understand your role in their lives and show open resentment towards you for that role. And truly, who could blame them. They are children after all. And what child doesn’t deserve or desire their family intact. You may have to “make up” for the role you played for the duration of your relationship with their father. But I suppose that won’t be much different than you having to constantly woo your new boyfriend to begin with, in order to avoid having the same fate befall you as did me. Either way, this is expected. You should be making it up to them for the duration of their lives. They deserve no less as the innocent victims in all of this. What you have accomplished by going about your relationship with their father in this way has shattered their ideas of security and family. They feel betrayed and unworthy because he has left them for you and your children in their eyes. But that doesn’t really matter to you, as you are only thinking of yourself and your children and what you have gained. In that regard, I am really no different than you. I will think of what is best for me and my children in the same way.

What is best for my children is for me to be polite and cordial to you and to ask that they be the same. Respect is something earned, and I would hope that you agree you have done nothing to deserve or command my respect, or theirs. But I will never condone them being unkind or rude to you for any reason. Though I can’t control their actions, I may have to direct them in an apologetic way at some point for their retaliatory actions toward you and their resentment of you. And while I won’t blame them for their resentments, I will encourage them to forgive. For their own well being. Just know that I have never believed forgiveness meant forgetting or acting as though nothing has happened. Forgiveness is for the forgiver, not the forgiven. However, it shouldn’t cloud the forgiver’s ability to respond appropriately to a situation and protect themselves from further pain or discomfort. I know this first hand, as I have had to forgive a mountain of wrongs and protect myself over and again from further discomfort.

My children realize that, at some point in the near future, you will more than likely be marrying their father. They like you well enough at this point. Though you realize they are children, and they really don’t understand your role fully. I will not be the one to break it to them at this point. It is their father’s job to be honest with them and deal with the fallout as necessary. However this is not his typical M.O., so it may be some time before they realize the extent of his and your betrayal. You realize you will not come through this unscathed. They owe you nothing as you have done nothing to deserve their generosity. Though they are, and will continue to be, better people than that, as I have raised them to be. I will take on the burden of their disgust and I will encourage them on the path of compassion and acceptance because that is what will benefit them most in the long run as human beings. I can discolor my own heart with the ugliness so theirs remain the least tarnished by all that has happened. And know, that I will never see you as anything worthy of my compassion, though there may yet be occasions that I will find it necessary to give.

In closing, know that I will do everything within my power to protect my children and also help them to understand their world and the way that it works. The world can be an ugly place. They can overcome that ugliness and be a light to the world and an example to others of the way that is most beneficial to walk through life. The way that refuses to step on others or take what isn’t theirs to begin with and that true nobility is worth fighting for. You have given me a valuable example of how it works when you don’t walk that path, and the pain that they have had to endure because of you. I will forever protect them to the best of my ability, as well as teach them using whatever examples present themselves. Thank you for the teaching moments you have provided.

Sincerely,

The mother of your boyfriend’s amazing children.