No control over Santa…

Look, you can believe what you want about me, my motives, my character…you can attack it over and over again in an effort to force your way.  The facts are the facts.  You didn’t tell me about the gift to our daughter because you believe in not asking permission, but asking forgiveness so you can do what you want without regard for others involved.  I get it.  I get it because you knew what my position would be; because you’ve always known what my position is with regard to electronic devices and our children.  You knew I would be against our 12 year old having an iPhone.  And you know it isn’t for the reasons you have asserted…

I am not jealous.  Not of you.  Not of your paramour you left me for.  There is nothing that either of the two of you have that I would want for myself-save the time you spend with OUR kids.

It is also not because I am resentful and trying to punish you in some way, which you always like to twist things into…though I can admit that I am sometimes resentful and always want to punish you-though I try REALLY hard not to let those feeling through, not for your sake, but my own.

Honestly, as much as I don’t like what has happened to our family, none of it is about my feelings toward you.  I am sad for our children.  I am sad for what has become of their shattered lives and the trials they face daily because of this upheaval.  And yes, that in turn makes me feel resentful towards you for making the ultimate decision, but I also don’t ignore my own part that was played.  I get the destruction that was inflicted by both of us on the core of our family over the many years we struggled.  None of that changes the ultimate results that we all have to face and deal with on a day to day basis.

I choose to deal with my circumstances with as little regard for you as I can muster.  I face my responsibilities and deal with them to the best of my abilities as a woman and a mother.  I will continue to make decisions that I believe are in the best interest of our children.  I will not allow society, or anyone else, to influence beyond my control the shaping of their character.  That is a difficult road.  I realize this.  But I am their mother above and beyond all other feelings I may or may not have about anyone or any other situation in my life.  We are shaped by our experiences, and while I can’t ignore what has happened to me in my life, I try not to let it control me.

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