Actual “cut and paste” from the email received via the ex from the Paramour…only names have been changed…
” I know that [my ex] has expressed my want to meet you, and communicate with you, and that you have declined. I would like you to reconsider, or at the very least consider communicating with me on a case-by-case basis about the children. It could enhance communication about the children, and for the children – especially the girls. As you know, I have two girls, who will continue to grow and at some point be the same ages as [your girls]. I will continue to have conversations with my girls, as well as [your girls], that are girl-oriented (make-up, hair, jeans, heels, etc.). Having dialogue or communication between us could foster growth, opportunity, and positive experiences for the children. I am sure the children share things with you that they would not share with their dad or I related to my girls or my actions surrounding my girls, or girl-oriented things – such as wearing mascara and the application of it. I also could discuss with you my intentions or ideas. For example, I would like to take all the girls to a girl spa geared for ages 2-13 for Valentine’s Day. [My daughter] recently had a spa party and wanted to invite both [your girls] but the timing of the party did not work with the activity schedule. In addition to this example, having communication between us could provide me your opinions and beliefs directly, and we could discuss, or negotiate, how to blend your opinions and beliefs. In the example of Christmas, I could have quickly reached out to you about what I was planning to purchase (a pushup bra from Victoria’s Secret for my 12 year old-which I was NOT in in favor of which was the impetus for the email to begin with) for [your daughter] and we could have discussed a way-forward to a happy medium. Even if you decide at this time to not meet or communicate with me, please know the door will always be open as I believe the primary way to continued growth, love, light, and positive attitudes, for us as humans, is through communciation.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? Please excuse my immediate response…but SERIOUSLY?? “the way to continued growth, love, light, and positive attitudes”…honestly, those words are not bitter…I say them with more laughter than scorn.
OK, so immediate response aside, am I truly being short sighted to have absolutely no desire to foster any sort of relationship with the Paramour? Do I really need to consider having some sort of partnership with the woman who thinks she has replaced me with MY ex and now seeks to have a meaningful relationship with MY children? Do I have to be considerate of HER wishes here? Now before you go off and say “in the best interest of the children…” please understand…
1. they do NOT know how long his relationship with her has lasted, because he lies to them and I haven’t offered the information.
2. I have not ONCE said anything derogatory about her in their presence…and have actually been very positive where she is concerned in that I am happy she is treating them well and being nice to them and making them feel comfortable when they are with her at her condo that my ex moved into-and is now in the process of moving OUT of.
3. I have not met her, seen a picture of her, spoken to her, or even communicated directly with her on any occasion…and didn’t even know her name until the kids knew about her a little less than a year ago…even after the separation, she was always hidden from me. A secret. I still don’t even know her last name, I don’t think even the kids know.
4. and as far as I know, there are no plans for marriage in the future…so she is still JUST A GIRLFRIEND (albeit a “live-in” one currently)!!! NOT A STEP-PARENT!
Regarding her perspectives…
[at the very least consider communicating with me on a case-by-case basis about the children] – isn’t that what is done between PARENTS of divorce?? Why do I need to communicate directly with HER about MY children…my EX is their father, any important items should be discussed between us – right?
[I am sure the children share things with you that they would not share with their dad or I related to my girls or my actions surrounding my girls] – of course they do!! And why would I ever betray their trust in me to keep those conversations between us…if they want to share their opinions of how you parent your children with me, then I don’t have to relay that information to you. Honestly, I use your interactions as examples so I can teach my children to understand patience, discipline, understanding, tolerance, and sometimes the difference between right and wrong and the way that messages can get “clouded”. If they wanted to discuss it with you and my ex, then they are old enough, aware enough, and confident enough to do so if they so desire.
[I also could discuss with you my intentions or ideas] – yes, well, that’s what communication between PARENTS is for…
[having communication between us could provide me your opinions and beliefs directly, and we could discuss, or negotiate, how to blend your opinions] – um, did I read that correctly?? “negotiate how to BLEND YOUR OPINIONS”???? am I really expected to BLEND my opinions with my ex’s girlfriend’s? How about – I am their mother!! My opinions should trump yours. EVERY time. If my ex would like to introduce your opinions as his own…I guess we (as in HE and I) will discuss and come to some agreement AS THEIR PARENTS!!!
Ok…so now that’s all out there…truth seeking time…what’s your opinion, do I sound bitter and jaded? I don’t feel it, but I guess sometimes things come thru that we don’t see. Do I owe it to my kids to be open to communication with this woman that has found her way into their lives? Am I not seeing the “‘light’ to continued growth” because I’m not open to communicate with her?
All comments welcomed. 🙂