Actual “cut and paste” from the email received via the ex from the Paramour…only names have been changed…
” I know that [my ex] has expressed my want to meet you, and communicate with you, and that you have declined. I would like you to reconsider, or at the very least consider communicating with me on a case-by-case basis about the children. It could enhance communication about the children, and for the children – especially the girls. As you know, I have two girls, who will continue to grow and at some point be the same ages as [your girls]. I will continue to have conversations with my girls, as well as [your girls], that are girl-oriented (make-up, hair, jeans, heels, etc.). Having dialogue or communication between us could foster growth, opportunity, and positive experiences for the children. I am sure the children share things with you that they would not share with their dad or I related to my girls or my actions surrounding my girls, or girl-oriented things – such as wearing mascara and the application of it. I also could discuss with you my intentions or ideas. For example, I would like to take all the girls to a girl spa geared for ages 2-13 for Valentine’s Day. [My daughter] recently had a spa party and wanted to invite both [your girls] but the timing of the party did not work with the activity schedule. In addition to this example, having communication between us could provide me your opinions and beliefs directly, and we could discuss, or negotiate, how to blend your opinions and beliefs. In the example of Christmas, I could have quickly reached out to you about what I was planning to purchase (a pushup bra from Victoria’s Secret for my 12 year old-which I was NOT in in favor of which was the impetus for the email to begin with) for [your daughter] and we could have discussed a way-forward to a happy medium. Even if you decide at this time to not meet or communicate with me, please know the door will always be open as I believe the primary way to continued growth, love, light, and positive attitudes, for us as humans, is through communciation.”
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME???? Please excuse my immediate response…but SERIOUSLY?? “the way to continued growth, love, light, and positive attitudes”…honestly, those words are not bitter…I say them with more laughter than scorn.
OK, so immediate response aside, am I truly being short sighted to have absolutely no desire to foster any sort of relationship with the Paramour? Do I really need to consider having some sort of partnership with the woman who thinks she has replaced me with MY ex and now seeks to have a meaningful relationship with MY children? Do I have to be considerate of HER wishes here? Now before you go off and say “in the best interest of the children…” please understand…
1. they do NOT know how long his relationship with her has lasted, because he lies to them and I haven’t offered the information.
2. I have not ONCE said anything derogatory about her in their presence…and have actually been very positive where she is concerned in that I am happy she is treating them well and being nice to them and making them feel comfortable when they are with her at her condo that my ex moved into-and is now in the process of moving OUT of.
3. I have not met her, seen a picture of her, spoken to her, or even communicated directly with her on any occasion…and didn’t even know her name until the kids knew about her a little less than a year ago…even after the separation, she was always hidden from me. A secret. I still don’t even know her last name, I don’t think even the kids know.
4. and as far as I know, there are no plans for marriage in the future…so she is still JUST A GIRLFRIEND (albeit a “live-in” one currently)!!! NOT A STEP-PARENT!
Regarding her perspectives…
[at the very least consider communicating with me on a case-by-case basis about the children] – isn’t that what is done between PARENTS of divorce?? Why do I need to communicate directly with HER about MY children…my EX is their father, any important items should be discussed between us – right?
[I am sure the children share things with you that they would not share with their dad or I related to my girls or my actions surrounding my girls] – of course they do!! And why would I ever betray their trust in me to keep those conversations between us…if they want to share their opinions of how you parent your children with me, then I don’t have to relay that information to you. Honestly, I use your interactions as examples so I can teach my children to understand patience, discipline, understanding, tolerance, and sometimes the difference between right and wrong and the way that messages can get “clouded”. If they wanted to discuss it with you and my ex, then they are old enough, aware enough, and confident enough to do so if they so desire.
[I also could discuss with you my intentions or ideas] – yes, well, that’s what communication between PARENTS is for…
[having communication between us could provide me your opinions and beliefs directly, and we could discuss, or negotiate, how to blend your opinions] – um, did I read that correctly?? “negotiate how to BLEND YOUR OPINIONS”???? am I really expected to BLEND my opinions with my ex’s girlfriend’s? How about – I am their mother!! My opinions should trump yours. EVERY time. If my ex would like to introduce your opinions as his own…I guess we (as in HE and I) will discuss and come to some agreement AS THEIR PARENTS!!!
Ok…so now that’s all out there…truth seeking time…what’s your opinion, do I sound bitter and jaded? I don’t feel it, but I guess sometimes things come thru that we don’t see. Do I owe it to my kids to be open to communication with this woman that has found her way into their lives? Am I not seeing the “‘light’ to continued growth” because I’m not open to communicate with her?
All comments welcomed. 🙂
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
In the best interest of the children the father would not be a selfish self-centered douche bag and would get his priorities straight. Growth, love, light, and positive what?! I am so confused with the mind set people have. Where was the growth, love, light, and positive whatever when he was lying, being unfaithful, and ultimately leaving for his own materialistic, selfish reasons? I give you more credit than I would give myself. If my ex’s girlfriend ever bought my daughter a push up bra, I would throw it away. She is not the mother and she is not raising your children.
I understand the dreams you have lost but the world is full of dreams and I think with your attitude you will create something wonderful.
Christina,
Thank you for your candor and response. I often wonder about what some people are thinking…and most often it is a simple answer – themselves. Everyone can find justification for anything they choose to do…it doesn’t make it right or appropriate…thanks for stopping by! 🙂 I’ve been following your journey also, and I can certainly identify! Hang in there!
I’m with you on this one – my first thought after reading the email was What. The. Fuck. And she thinks a push-up bra for a 12-year-old is appropriate?? It’s not up to her to decide what is best for YOUR children, regardless of what label she wears.
I agree…yet I still feel myself pulled to the “I should play nice, since she is ‘reaching out and all'”, plus, she’s in the kids’ lives now whether I want it or not…then reality slaps me aside my head and says “uh, honey, she’s the slut that screwed your husband in the dirty hours of “working late” in unsavory places cuz they had to LIE about it!!” – oh, yeah. I’m not THAT nice!
My children are older than yours (young adults) and it yet it always distresses me whenever I think of them having contact with ‘her’; and my small grand-daughter likewise. It is SO distressing that I push the thoughts aside and try and bury them. I cannot imagine how it must feel knowing that another woman (ie “her”) is wanting to play mother to your children. I was horrified about this letter and the distress it must have caused you. I can only wish you courage to be able to stand your ground on your rights as their mother.
Honestly…her behaviors that instigated the letter were more distressing than the letter…the letter, and it’s obvious absurdity, were more laughable than distressing…I should post it in it’s entirety…it’s so funny! She’s a clueless girl trying desperately to be a woman and assert a position in my family that she has no valid claim on. 🙂
I feel for your situation…I can only imagine how difficult it must be seeing your grandchildren, who will never know that she is an interloper…at least your grown children understand. I do feel that is my one saving grace-as much as it hurts me that they hurt, they get it. They accept him because he’s ‘dad’, but they get it.
My children too accept their Dad, but it is hurting them and they do get it. In some ways more than me. They are the ones who originally told me to ‘take off the rose coloured glasses’ (meaning they knew long before I did that perhaps the happy-ever-after wasn’t so happy).