I have dated off and on for the past year. Posting a profile on a couple of the online sites here and there trying to see which ones may have real options for me…not just the “hook-up seeking” lonely men. While I have met a handful of really great guys, the majority have gone the wayside of ‘no, I’m sorry, there won’t be a second date’ – primarily on my side of things.
During my latest foray into the dating arena, I have come to realize that my standards may be too high and I am reaching beyond my strata on the playing field…but I’m not willing to settle, so my email is empty and the selection contacting me I wouldn’t even set up an enemy with…this is not to say that I haven’t been reaching out. I have. I do. I find profiles that match who I wish I could date…which is why my inbox is empty. I am not who THEY wish to date. I get it.
Black List Reason #1
I have three kids. Count them; not one, not two, but three. And they are no longer in that “cute cuddly” stage to acclimate to a new relationship. They’ve reached the dreaded ‘teen stages’. Not mention the time suck they create for availability to meet up for dates. I have primary custody of my children, which equates to about 75% of my time is spoken for. Regardless of how amazing they are, a potential date has never interacted with them so they go straight to the “BAGGAGE” claim department. (note, I am not parading men through my children’s lives, so they have no idea I am even dating – there are no introductions happening) Oh, and also, I’m NOT looking for a father for them, nor a man that needs me to mother him…just sayin’!
Black List Reason #2
I am 39. I am not a young 32-35 seeking to finally get started with my ‘family’ life after a few choice failed relationships. I am not well over 40 and feeling the pressure of empty nest syndrome and seeking to have someone fill my newfound free time. Nor am I looking for a man more than 14 years my senior…though many contact me. My target range for my own interest is close to my age…37-49…and those 37-40/41 year olds are really just looking for that younger model who still has a hard body and can hang on their arm at the local “top spots” or join them at the gym. Not that I can’t do those things…but please see #1. Hard bodies don’t happen to busy mothers who have birthed three children. (don’t get me wrong, I’m not OUT of shape, just not IN shape…I can still fit my skinny jeans! lol)
Black List Reason #3
I am smart and outspoken. Which you really wouldn’t expect to be a black list item…because you would think that a man would want a smart woman who knows what she wants and is comfortable enough to speak her mind. Yeah. No. Not really. They SAY that’s what they’re looking for, but when faced with the truth of what that entails, they run tail tucked in the opposite direction. Many men say they are “easy going” and looking for “drama free” which in my experience seems to mean that they want a woman without an opinion and who is a ‘go along to get along’ kind of waif. Sorry, not me. And really, I want a man STRONG enough to handle me.
Black List Reason #4
I don’t put out easily. Or rather, I have standards on who I’m interested in fucking. And truthfully, I’m not interested in fucking anyone. I want to develop a relationship where the sex is amazing due to the emotional connection that precedes the act. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a “frigid snow queen” type of situation. I can be passionate. And I desire the connection. I’ve had a one night stand since the divorce…it wasn’t really fulfilling. I’ve also had a few make out sessions that were ‘nice’. 😉 But I wasn’t interested in going the long haul because I didn’t really feel connected to the guys at that point. I’m still waiting for that mind blowing sex that happens when two brains connect first and then the bodies can’t control themselves…right now, my brain is in charge.
As if three strikes wasn’t enough…I have FOUR!! I get it. BLACK LIST!! 😉
So I guess I just need to wait it out…this stage. Until I can make it into one of those stages where the men have grown up and realize that an intelligent, independent woman is more appealing than a demanding, dependent girl. I guess if I reside in this black hole…I should pull up a comfy chair and grab a book to entertain and a quilt to snuggle up with…it’s gonna be a cold, lonely ride.
I know how you feel. I am on that list as well. Good for you for not lowering your standards.
I did a stint at online dating and vowed to never go back. I think the selection is quite slim when you get down to it. I am pretty much black listed to unless I want to just put my self in the category of just a fuck, and I don’t.
Before my ex-husband left he said my expectations were too high. I looked at him and thought what? Oh no they weren’t. After ending that marriage I realized my expectations were always too low. I am never going to lower them again.