‘Narcissis’t or Daffodil…that is the question

I stumbled upon this post yesterday…

Leaving the Narcissist by Wendy Powell

…and I can’t stop thinking about it!  I forwarded it to my friend and we both had a great little laugh about the parallels…she even responded after reading it “Are you Wendy?!?”

“The starting point has to be the acceptance of the fact that things will not change…Finally letting go of the hope that the narcissist will change and do all of the things that they have promised that they will do is quite difficult…What I mean by this is that since the narcissist is so good at telling you what you want to hear, they will know what to promise. It does not matter to them if it is a lie or not because they lie as a matter of course…The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.” – Wendy Powell

I had gotten to the point of realizing all this by the end of my tumultuous marriage…but I wanted the nuclear family so I determined to “put up” and “shut up” to a degree.  I had learned that I couldn’t count on him.  I had learned that he wasn’t in love with me and our family more than he was in love with the idea…and more importantly himself and what his latest accomplishment would be.

“Any thought process that starts with some variation of, “if things had been different, then….. ” means that you have not accepted the truth of what happened.” – Wendy Powell

Didn’t I JUST blog something akin to this statement JUST RECENTLY!!

“…I always kept thinking “as soon as _______________ happens, things will all fall into place”.  Yet the ________________ always kept changing…” see here…

But then I go back to the “he really wasn’t a bad guy…I was kinda a bitch much of the time…my expectations have always been too high…he had good reason to do what he did…I drove him to it.”  I turn the blame inward…

He’s not a ‘narcissis’t, he’s a daffodil…an innocent flower that I plucked and allowed to die in my care.  Besides, doesn’t he always say how much of a control freak I am and how I’m inflexible.  I was even told that “he lost who he was when he was with me”.  I guess he got lost during that complete 360 job change while I took care of our three kids under 6…or the multiple hours a week for many years when he trained for an ironman triathlon he never ended up competing in…or when he bought the “fixer upper” motorcycle just weeks after our first child was born – that sat in our garage after his first ride when he discovered the head was cracked…or maybe he lost himself when he found his way to another woman’s bed…

Except that every therapist I’ve seen from when we were together and beyond has all mentioned something regarding his self-centeredness when discussing his behaviors.

And then these words resonated with me…

“They despise having to “give” in a relationship and needing to support you is off-putting. Often they will be too busy with something important that they must do, will find an excuse to leave or simply attack you for not handling it better and for being so needy. These are all large red flags. The gold standard of narcissistic behaviour is the compromise. They don’t. If there is a situation when you want something and they want something else and there is no way that you can both have what you want they always win. Finally, nothing is ever their fault. If they forget, you should’ve reminded them. If there are problems at work it is because of the jerks that they have to work with. If something is done wrong the information was insufficient. It is never their fault. Consider these signs.” – Wendy Powell

Wendy Powell…so thankful that I found you.  Your insight has been valuable and enlightening.  I think maybe I’ll keep the daffodils in the garden and the ‘narcissis’t at arms length.

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