This has been a week…WOW!! My “mom” skills are worn OUT! 🙂
My pre-teen daughter has had to deal with a friend who decided he wanted “more than friendship” and when turned down chose an uncomfortable path that led to a call from me to the guidance department at school…
My teen son has had to have the “fair isn’t always equal” speech in regard to how I deal with him in comparison to his sisters…
My youngest daughter asked the question “why do women bleed”…
aye yai yai…
…and then I got to thinking…
why do I focus on blogging about the negative aspects of my life as a “used to be wife” when I could focus on the “have always been mother” where the musings may be cathartic…and maybe even humorous or helpful to others! 🙂
So I’ll pick the least controvercial one of the three above…my son’s “fair isn’t always equal”…
Set the stage:
My son is an extremely intelligent and insightful young man for all his 14 years. He is also athletic and wrestles well (if I must say so myself!) which also creates an attractive quality to the girls! 🙂 Unfortunately for my amazing son, he is also gifted in procrastination and lack of motivation. Essentially, he’s lazy. He will put off anything and everything. School work, exercise, chores, waking up, personal hygiene…yep. I went there! And unfortunately SO DOES HE!! He has all this potential!! It truly drives me crazy!! But I have learned to accept and push with an even amount of restraint in both areas as to make sure he understands that I LOVE him, even though he FRUSTRATES me beyond belief!
My pre-teen daughter, while also extremely intelligent and insightful, is also a perfectionist always looking for ways to please others. She feels unsettled if she has something that is unfinished in some way, whether with homework or a knick knack out-of-place on her dresser. I have to catch myself to make sure not to add any additional pressure on her than what she already exerts on herself.
So…. yesterday was a day for cleaning. Getting the house in order for a new week. Putting things where they belong, taking care of messes we’ve made so a clean slate is achieved. My daughter, as always, working on things in a timely fashion and my son avoiding at all turns.
The ‘lectures’ went both ways…don’t think I put my daughter on a pedestal for her behavior…she often gets high and mighty and self-righteous that “she is doing all the work”. This is when I have to remind her that she is CHOOSING that path herself by her own impositions she lays on her self expectations…while at the same time not dismissing my son’s ultimate avoidance of work. Which, I remind her, she has no control over, so getting upset at him only hurts her, it doesn’t get him to do the task.
The ultimate lecture on “fair isn’t always equal” went to my son…he seems to end up going to the “you always come down on me” pity party under these circumstances. This is where I have to explain that while it may seem that I don’t “let up” on him, it is because he is making choices that affect others…and I don’t HAVE to tell my daughter to get to work and stop playing on her devices or wrestling with her younger sister or snacking in secret or, or, or…because she is already doing the things that were asked of her – or maybe even finished with them all (and then some oftentimes). I assured him it wasn’t because I loved her more, or she was my favorite, or that I only ever wanted girls (which I didn’t) but because I met them each at the place where they needed it. I talked to her about her self-righteous indignation at her own self-imposed work ethic, and I talked to him about his perpetual avoidance of anything that closely resembled some level of responsibility fulfilled. Fair isn’t equal. And I hugged him tightly (to which he returned the fervor) and sent him on his way to take out the trash…after the third reminder! 😉
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
Ah yes, trying to balance fairness. It is quite difficult as a mother.
On a positive note my thirty-one year old son, who was the worst of the worst as far as room-tidying went in his teens, is remarkably tidy as an adult.
Good to know there’s hope! 🙂 I know he’s a good boy…and I think he will ultimately learn the importance of internal motivation…but what a trying time TRYING to help guide him! 🙂
I think every child gets that lecture multiple times! My children have a few (very few) chores that they are supposed to do. Some days, one request is enough (and I love those days!). Some days, it takes whining (from them), nagging (from me), more whining (from them), sarcastic parodies of their whining (from me), and then they grudgingly do the chores. And some days, they get the ‘look,’ which results in instant action. But regardless of how it happens, they know they are loved. That’s what counts!!!
It amazes me how little we expect of kids these days compared to the days of old…I often wish I had the luxury of living on a farm where the kids would be required to learn the lessons and appreciate the work ethic instilled, but I know that would just mean that I would be having the same struggles, just on a grander scale! lol (I have to say I truly enjoy the sarcastic parodies myself…) Thanks for the comment!