What bullshit!!
I’m so tired of hearing all the arguments that have NO WEIGHT for why it is okay or appropriate for people to do shitty things to others or why shitty behavior is excused.
“I lived through my father remarrying twice, and I survived. I’m a man hater, but hey, I survived”
…seriously?? My friend actually said these words to me today. As though her issues with men are somehow perfectly acceptable!! She has rubbed her man hating ways on her daughter…and I see the way she interacts with her father. It’s so sad for him.
“The divorce will only make them stronger” (said by MANY when referring to my kids) As though the strength achieved from this life predicament is a perfectly reasonable way to gain strength of character.
Do people really think that the shitty things that have happened to them in their lives are what made them “better because of”? That we somehow couldn’t or wouldn’t be as amazing as we are if we hadn’t had the shitty events of our lives to help mold us?
My parents threatened divorce many times growing up. It was a very unsettling place for me as a child. They never did end up splitting up, and there are times I feel that they should have, and there are times that I’m glad that they didn’t; but I don’t claim their actions to be a positive force in my life. I don’t feel that I “turned out okay” regardless of their unsettling actions when I was young. I think that their relationship has contributed immensely to my own feelings of inadequacy of being able to handle the ups and downs of a relationship and the demands for what a real relationship with mutual respect and compromise required. All I can say that I DID know, was that I didn’t want to have the kind of relationship my parents had…well, I didn’t. Not that it was any BETTER than theirs. But I guess it wasn’t the same.
People who were picked on through school use the excuse to explain why they close their eyes to rude behavior towards others. I was picked on, and I turned out okay, it made me stronger. Well, somewhere along the line it also made you an asshole. The whole “I’ll get you before you get me” mentality isn’t healthy.
I drank before I was 21. I drove when I shouldn’t have as a young, naïve person under the influence and feeling immortal. I know many who can say the same thing. But, hey, we survived. Young and dumb make mistakes. Luckily for us, we didn’t make life altering mistakes behind the wheel on those occasions. So I must be okay. My actions must have just been a “rite of passage” of sorts, right? Kids make mistakes and we just need to allow them to do these things…they will learn something from it and they will “turn out OK”. Besides, I can’t fault them for something I did myself…that would be hypocritical right?
Why are we not trying to do better than those that came before us? It seems we are becoming more and more accepting of the bad behaviors in an effort to excuse our own. We don’t have to try to be better examples, because “hey, we turned out okay” even though shitty things happened to us.
I got divorced, and while I think I will “turn out OK” in the long run, it’s not the legacy I want to pass along to my children…so I will attempt to teach them what they can do in their own relationships to avoid the pitfall…what I would have liked to have taught them from the security of a strong nuclear family unit…
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
Hear, hear! Totally agree – bad things that happened to you, or bad decisions you made don’t automatically excuse your present/future bad behavior. If you had truly learned from them, you would be LESS of an asshole.
When my ex and I split, my mother told me that I would find someone else. And when I did, to not be afraid – that my children needed to see me in a healthy, loving relationship so that they would know what it looked like. THAT’S the legacy I want to leave for my children. And I’m happy to say that my new husband has risen to the challenge, and then some. I know my children will turn out ‘OK’ – I want them to be better than that. Wildly, blissfully happy and at peace – that’s my wish for them.
I’m so happy that you were able to find love…and continue to build a legacy for your children that you can be proud of…I hope that my children learn that the best things in life are worth fighting for, and that sometimes you have to sacrifice to get the things you want. No one gets everything they want without a price to themselves or someone else…so it better be worth it!
As mothers our hearts bleed because we all know that our children want the happy-ever-after. The best that we can do is to create the happy-ever-after anyway; with a strong mother hen and her little chicks. I do not believe that you have to remarry or find that ideal partner who will treat you right just to show your children ‘how it should be done’. They can learn values, virtues, family traditions; and having a feeling of safety and stability, from you.
@elizabeth2560 – you are right. Getting married again wasn’t ‘necessary’ for me to show my children safety and stability. I have spent the last several years showing them that we can be a ‘family’ despite the divorce.