“I don’t like to hurt the people I care about” – the ex
This was in response to a comment I made regarding the fact that our children know he lies.
“I don’t like to hurt the people I care about”
I have to take a deep breath and think about that statement. I used to feel that he had some validity to be able to say that and that he somehow was doing the right thing. He put forth the “good guy” persona for so long, and I bought into it…for so long…and it made me question myself as to why I wasn’t more “good” like him…I said things that hurt people (mainly him) and my questioning of him must be “wrong” in some way, because isn’t he a “good” guy.
My ex is surficially charismatic. I know, that isn’t even really a word. But it’s the best I can say to describe his appeal. He never goes below the surface to really make a person feel truly loved, cared for, appreciated. But boy he talks a really good game on the surface.
“That sweater looks great on you” – except that the hollow complements are given to all, whether a stranger in the grocery store or the significant other, so the strength of the comment tends to loose it’s specialness the longer you see you’re in the same boat as everyone else who “looks great” in THEIR sweater too.
“I’d be happy to help you ___ ” (so long as it doesn’t inconvenience me and you show your undying gratitude and appreciation afterwards – OR – the implied you owe me one) This was always the double edged sword…do I accept the help knowing that it comes with strings attached. And knowing that when I ASKED for help in some way, it was never possible to be given for some excuse or another, and “didn’t I realize all that he did already!”
Only after years of piling up these observances in all these different situations did I really figure out that he was incapable of being a selfless person. Every move he made was an attempt to put himself in a better light and how dare you if you looked too close and saw what was underneath.
I became the mirror. I pointed out these “character” issues I saw and drew attention to his inability to be the man he “claimed” to be on the surface. I made him uncomfortable. I exposed his soft underbelly and set up expectations that I hoped he could achieve as my husband and the father of my children and the “leader” of my family. He couldn’t.
So back to that “I don’t like to hurt the people I care about”…
…and the mirror that I feel the need to hold up…
Do you think that if you didn’t do the behavior that you feel the need to LIE about, then maybe you wouldn’t have to HURT the people you “care about”? The pain doesn’t originate with the LIE…it originates from the BEHAVIOR you feel the need to lie about!
Fancy words to portray himself in a better light “see, I’m the good guy here trying to protect those that I love”
……..”from my own hurtful actions”………
Really what he is saying is this…
I lie so I don’t have to feel responsible for your pain
I don’t want to look like the bad guy, so I can’t tell the truth because it makes me look bad
I need to protect MYSELF from YOUR judgment of my actions, which makes ME feel uncomfortable…forget that I did something WRONG
Again…lies are shame and manipulation…
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
I can relate so well to this post of being married to Mr Nice Guy extraordinaire. About four hours after dropping the bombshell that he was leaving me to live with another woman, my (now-ex) husband sent me a text ‘don’t ever think that I do not love you and care for you’. (What the ……..!) Since then he has attempted to be Mr Friendly so that any frostiness between us is, of course, me being difficult and there can be no blame cast on him. His attempts at being ‘friends’ with me is distressing and makes me feel as if I am being thrown crumbs under the table.
It is has taken me a long time to feel comfortable in rejecting any extended hand of friendship from him. By that I mean, since he left me although I have constantly rejected his offers of friendship, up until now it has always been through anger or sadness for the lost marriage. Now I am 100% comfortable with my decision from the point of view of me – what is best for me and what I want from my friends (who I will choose). I do not want to be friends with a person who would leave a 40 year relationship over a cup of coffee.
Elizabeth,
I can relate so easily with the situation you describe…of COURSE it must be my fault we split…look at how UNREASONABLE I am being about even just being “friends” now. Because we were OBVIOUSLY so wrong for each other and weren’t “meant” to be together…so now we should just be friends for the sake of the kids.
…um. NO! Being friends is so you don’t have to feel the guilt of the decision you made and you can feel like the “good guy” you always endeavor to be…but fall so short of! And still…it’s all about YOU!! (not me!)
You have described the mud thrown at me SO well 🙂
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