Second guessing…

I haven’t posted in awhile…

almost 2 weeks to be exact…

I’ve been in a strange place.

I had a run in with my ex that made me feel empowered in the moment, I let down my filter of neutrality and actually expressed my opinions and feelings.  (he was asking)  He wanted to know how much of the kids’ “drama” was because they’re teenagers, or anger directed at him or directed at ‘her’- I asserted that there isn’t really any ONE thing that can be pointed to.  I truly wasn’t saying anything new, but he seemed to receive what I said.  He THANKED me after the conversation.  Though I can’t really call it a conversation…conversations go two ways…and with us, as usual, I do most of the talking.  I fill the silence.  I have a lot to say.  Back to that “if I just _______ , then maybe he will ‘get it’ and everything will be okay”.

I expressed that his mistress will forever be that…the woman that fucked my married husband and the kids will always see her as the woman that he chose to leave his family for so he could start a new family.  It didn’t matter how nice or perfect or soul mate worthy she may be.  I expressed that if he wants that life, which it seems he does as he has been pursuing it for the past three years, then he just needs to come to accept that his relationship with his kids (and me by circumstance) will be what it is.  They’re angry with him.  They have reason to be angry with him.  They’re kids.  They didn’t ask for this.  They didn’t ask to be shoved into this new family.  She isn’t just some girlfriend he met after he and I decided we no longer wanted to be married to each other and divorced FIRST.  He didn’t “integrate” HER into HIS life with them; he took over a role in her life, and then dragged his kids along with him for his ride.  Instant new family! Ta da!

Yeah, they’re not buying it.  They’re old enough to understand.  They’re perceptive.  And they’re rightfully hurt and angry in many regards.  I feel that I was giving my kids a voice with him that he hasn’t been listening to from them…because they express to me that they know he lies and that he doesn’t listen to them and he asks the same questions over and over (almost like he’s waiting for the answer to magically change and if he just asks it often enough…).

So fast forward to after I have a ton of time to over analyze…I begin to see it as more evidence used to fuel the flames of my being a monster.  See how unreasonable I am.  I’m not open to ‘making nice’ for the children to more easily accept the divorce.  Besides, we’re both going to have people in our lives at some point, right?  And we want those people to be a part of our kids’ lives too, and accepted.  If I accepted her, and made nice, and had a relationship, then my kids may be more accepting of her…because maybe I’m teaching them to dislike her because of my own personal “grudge” of sorts….shown outwardly only by a disregard for her.  And his comment about “making a lot of mistakes” now turns into “the biggest one being allowing you into my life” which becomes another reason for self doubt to squeeze it’s fingers around my throat.

I hate how my mind goes automatically to how I’m doing something wrong.

Second guessing.

He asked me about when I would have someone in my life and of course wouldn’t I want the kids to accept “him”.  I expressed that I would OBVIOUSLY do things much different.  The kids are my first priority at the moment and I would slowly introduce a man until the kids felt comfortable allowing him in their lives.  I’m not of a mind to “force” them to accept my love life because “I deserve it” and “I should have it” regardless of their feelings about it…though at the same time, I’m not of the school that the kids would dictate how or when or who I would date.  I figure this is a package deal.  They’re my family.  They deserve to have that security and stability, and I can give it to them…my mistakes in life don’t have to continue to affect them negatively if I can help it.  There will come a time when they will be ready to accept a man in my life.

On another note…I reposted my profile on a dating website in an effort to meet someone to date.  I miss male companionship.  This is unfortunately nothing new.  I missed male companionship in my marriage on many occasions.  But please don’t read “companionship” as solely sexual in nature…

Though that IS part of the picture, it is not the primary piece.

However my personality isn’t such that makes online dating easy.

I’m strongly opinionated.  And guarded.  And forward, yet honest.  And I don’t want to talk about the sexual positions I prefer in the “getting to know you” stages.  I guess many guys just don’t like that in a woman.  I can’t imagine why they would.  I get it.  I know I am difficult and my expectations are high.  Trust me, I’ve tried to lower them.  I’ve tried to “settle” for a here and now that provides “part” of what I’m looking for – has the chemistry, but lacks the mental stimulation/has the mental stimulation, but lacks the chemistry – and unfortunately I am still that over thinker.  I am impatient in many regards with the inability of people to be honest and upfront.  I don’t like to play games.  And the online dating world is rife with games.  And the rejection, though not personal, gets turned personal when I over think.  Besides, they don’t even really know me…how could it be personal…yet still…

Second guessing.

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