Self doubt…

So with the state of my mind…I probably shouldn’t be writing…yet here I am…

I have self doubt.

Not just the “oh, gosh, I wonder if they really like me” kind of superficial musings.

True. Hard core. Root of my existence. Self doubt.

In almost EVERY situation.  Oh, I come across as so “sure of myself”, but inside, I am questioning everything about myself the moment it comes out of my mouth or I respond in the way that I do to whatever situation I’m in.

I know “everyone feels self conscious about themselves” and I often reassure myself with this assertion.  But there are moments when I truly believe that I have an extreme case.

Self doubt.

I over think things.  I know I do this.  I believe I am observant and I feel that I can easily “read between the lines” of many people and their misrepresented approaches to situations.

Or at least that’s what I tell myself.

Then the self doubt comes in to shit all over my over thinking.  I immediately go to why it is me…not you…me.  I am doing something wrong.  I am not liked.  I am not right.  I am not worthy.  And really, I’m just making it all about me.

I have seen my ex as a narcissist.  His behavior to be “all about him” and his own needs being met.

How am I so different?

How is what I do any different?

I like to be right.  I assert my opinion, sometimes forcefully, on others as the “right” way of doing things.  Then internally, I go back to that comfortable old friend of self doubt.  I wrap it around my shoulders and use it to comfort me in my guilt for asserting myself.  I must be wrong.

And I have proof all around me that I am wrong.

My husband left me.

My marriage failed.

I haven’t been able to make many quality friendships in this new place – I don’t feel that I fit in.

When I try to date, I always end up coming up short in some way.

My circumstances are not what I would like for myself…yet I feel powerless to change them…I am not worthy of what I seek.  Nor is there anyone out there that could possibly meet my standards to begin with…

I feel isolated.

I feel pathetic more often than not.

But I exert a front.

A strong front.

I am a good mom.

I try to be a good teacher.

Yet I have immense self doubt.

One comment from another person (friend, acquaintance, ex, child, etc.) and I spiral into the over thinking with the blanket of self doubt and I no longer believe ANY of the positive things anyone has ever said to me.  Because they must have been lying – they were just “trying to be nice” or they didn’t want to say what they truly felt because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings or to “look like the bad guy” or they just didn’t see the point anyway since I probably “wouldn’t listen”.

I often wonder how much of these feelings stemmed from my failed marriage…or if I just brought this baggage into my life all of my own accord.

I think I used to be a thoughtful, caring person.  I think I used to get excited about life and have aspiration.

And then…self doubt.  That warm comforting shit blanket that holds me down like a ton of bricks.

I think I need to figure out how to find an excavating company that can help me address my issue.

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