I feel “cheated” MORE than I feel “cheated on”…

I should be happy.

I should be relieved.

I no longer have to feel less than important.

I no longer have to feel that my needs were unreasonable.

I no longer have to question my own motivations.

I no longer have to feel disappointment at every turn when opportunities are not taken advantage of.  Well…most of the time anyway.

I no longer have to consider another person in my planning, or plan around their schedule.  Well…most of the time anyway.

I no longer have to feel resentful that my partner is not holding up their end of the bargain.  Well…at least he isn’t my “partner” anymore.

I wasn’t happy.  I wasn’t satisfied with my marriage.  I had very little respect for my ex toward the end…but not because of the affair.  Long before the affair started the decline in respect started.

We were strangers living under the same roof.

I pushed, he retreated.

I wanted love and family, he wanted praise and accomplishments.

I tried to make it clear what direction he was going, and how it would affect our relationship and his relationship with his children.  He continued to turn away from us and delve deeper into his own desires.

I was a stay at home mom.  Putting my energies and focus into the three children we had created.  I wanted a father for our family.  A man that wanted to be a part of the family that was created.  A man who was excited about what his kids were doing.  A man that wanted to do more for us – WITH us.  A man that wanted to lead our family.  A man that loved me and our children deeply.

I didn’t think I was asking for too much.

I took care of everything regarding the household.  I was the banker, the tax preparer, the handywoman, the mechanic, the personal shopper, the historian/photographer, the clothes/dishes/home washer, the chef, the party/vacation/event planner, the tutor, the disciplinarian, the taxi cab, the sidelines coach, the decorator, the realtor and the movers (3 times over)…you could say a lot rested on my shoulders.  I wanted a partner.  Someone to help lighten my load, share in the burden.  I wanted a safe place to fall when I needed to break down from the weight of it all.

I guess he must have felt that his job resting on his shoulders should be enough.  Maybe it should have been.  Maybe I DID expect too much.  I at least know he was incapable of giving more.  He could not manage to take one single full responsibility from my plate…I know, because I asked him on occasion.

“Please, could you just take care of keeping up with the vehicles and keep up with their maintenance and keep them looking nice” -he had a company car that he was meticulous about keeping up with…ours were too much extra, he never did.

He often requested that I do more…that I work up a budget for “our” funds (as if I were spending inappropriately – he NEVER went to grocery store or paid a household bill)…that I look into and research all the investment opportunities for “our” 401(k) monies…that I research all the medical options and tell him which one “we” should pick…that I fill out his yearly financial statements for his employer…that I have sex more readily…that I take care of talking to his mother about her mental/financial/emotional issues or host her visits when he needed to “be at work”…that I endure uncomfortable visits from his father and stepmother (he never stood up for us against them).

I tried to take on what I could…always thinking I needed to make it easier for him to just be a part of our lives…that maybe if I took care of all the menial things, it would free him up to want to be more present with us.

It freed him up alright.  He stayed longer at work.  Or he now had more time to get to the gym and workout.  He decided he needed to participate in triathlons.  You know, the kind of races that require swimming, running, and biking.  He needed all the gear to go along with this new endeavor.  He needed time to practice all the events.  He participated in events all around the state around once a month or at least every other month.  Weekends with three kids in tow where he would go off to get himself “ready” and we would “show up” at the appropriate times to support him at this transition sites.  I would try to make the weekend an event.  Planning extra activities for when the race was done…he was there.  In physicality.

All this to explain.  In the end, things weren’t pretty.  I had lost respect for my husband because I felt unloved and unappreciated.  I tried to voice my displeasure.  I made my own requests of “date nights” or “kissing more often” or “being home on the weekends” or “not falling asleep at 8 pm after getting home at 6:30 and eating the dinner I had prepared and interacting with the kids for bedtime routine”.

I’m not a quiet waif in the corner, I’m an opinionated vocal woman.  One that respected the sanctity of marriage.  One that didn’t respect my husband, but I did respect the commitment I had made…for my children.  I wanted it to be better.  But I didn’t know how to make that happen…I couldn’t just be quiet and pretend.

I made comments about the things I didn’t like.  I expressed my displeasure.  Sometimes in some not very productive ways.  I told him how I felt like a hooker at times.  I told him how I felt third in line after his job and the kids.  I told him how I felt like I did everything.  I told him in the end that if we didn’t have an emotional relationship, then I could no longer have a physical relationship with him.  I told him that he was willing to get to the point of puking with his strenuous workouts, but that he never fought for our relationship.  I told him in the end that I felt emotionally divorced.  I told him in the end that I had lost respect for him.  I told him I deserved better.

I should be happy.

I should be relieved.

I no longer have to feel less than important.

I no longer have to feel that my needs were unreasonable.

I no longer have to question my own motivations.

I no longer have to feel disappointment at every turn when opportunities are not taken advantage of.  Well…most of the time anyway.

I no longer have to consider another person in my planning, or plan around their schedule.  Well…most of the time anyway.

I no longer have to feel resentful that my partner is not holding up their end of the bargain.

Well…at least he isn’t my “partner” anymore.

Now I just need to work on all the resentment that has been built up over such a long time…

This isn’t the life I wanted for me, or my kids.  I feel cheated.

About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own glasses...so this is MY Perspective.
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14 Responses to I feel “cheated” MORE than I feel “cheated on”…

  1. Sounds like Hell. I’m glad you’ve freed yourself from this neglectful relationship. You deserve to be happy and not have to be excused for it. Stay strong. Stay forgiving. You’re a rock and an inspiration to many burdened people. Life is short – be happy always and do what’s right for you and yours. Change should be embraced. You’re a strong woman. Thank you for sharing. Love & light, Kat x

  2. Nicetomeetu says:

    I do believe in the saying “When one door closes, another one opens” I think one day in the future you look back on this hard time in your life and not feel the pain. Just hang in there! 🙂

  3. I feel like that too sometimes although I probably did not see it or at least express it until after the marriage ended. I wanted the fairytale for me and for my children and that is what I channelled my energies into. Now it is a shattered dream. I spent a year mourning our broken relationship and another year mourning the shattered dream. Now I am busy making my new dream.

    • I’m trying to live the new dream that was put upon me in the best possible way while understanding that the dream I’ve always longed for will never come to fruition. I understand this is a place where many people often find themselves…and that I am not any more or less deserving then they of the dreams that I have had or wanted to come true. I’m trying to make it the best way I know how…thanks for the supportive words of encouragement and the continued “you’re not alone” affirmation.

      • Ah! I choose my words carefully as I said “making” my dreams. A dream is a vision and I am at the stage of forming that vision of how i would like my new life to go. It is still a bit foggy. I am not quite yet at the stage of “living” my (new) dream and it is not the one that was handed to me at the end of the marriage. When my husband first left me I had fear for my future and a vision of me being lonely and frightened. That vision is now changing but it has taken two and a half years. I am not sure how far you are down the track and i know that people go through different stages at different times but to me this post of yours has shown you are progressing because you are mourning the dream (not him) and mourning your own self identity. To me, this is a good sign that you are turning to examine yourself (rather than him) and from that will spring the seeds of a new vision and new hopes for you. You will make this a happy life for you and your children. You will get there.

      • I’m in almost the same time frame as you. Almost a full year finalized, but two and a half since the initial split. I wish I felt progressing. Unfortunately I have been mourning the loss of my dream for much longer than the loss of him has been realized. You would think that I would just accept and move on. 😦 I know I will see a day when this is all behind and I have a great relationship with my kids and they know that I always put them first in my book. That will make me happy. 🙂

      • I empathise, I really do. My posts and comments tend to be pep talks to myself and often I feel lower than I make out. (As they say, ‘fake it, until you make it’). However, of late the dream has started to reform in my head. For ages I could not get past the dream of happy grandparents to my grandchildren on a balcony somewhere dancing in the moonlight. The singledom bit has only just started to appeal to me and it is starting to grow on me.
        Yes, your children will make you happy.
        Best wishes 🙂

  4. bamboozled1 says:

    me too!! me too mee tooooo! from being strangers, to wanting involvement in the family, to managing the household… to raising the kids pretty much on my own… to feeling cheated.

    note to my boys. providing is not enough. i know you might grow up to think it is the be all and end all… its not. my dad thought it… so did yours… both of them were wrong.

    i love that you raise the loss of respect… i dont think ive read about it enough, and ive read enough! lol

    was it because i didnt have enough respect? in his eyes, probably…

    but did i get any?

  5. j says:

    maybe a socialpath he is?

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