I’m not ready for love.
I know I’m not ready because I want it.
I know I’m not ready because I feel like I need it.
I know I’m not ready because I desperately would like to have someone love me…
…but I don’t know that I’m available to love anymore than what I already do.
I’m a mom.
I have three kids.
They are my world…and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Even though they are EXHAUSTING.
They are also EXHILARATING!
Tonight as I worked, papers strewn about me on my bed to be graded and emails open and being responded to on my laptop, my teen boy and my youngest munchkin girl created a whirlwind of chaos around me – yes, it’s a queen size bed, but still. My youngest munchkin is a very touchy feely little girl…and my son, well, he wrestles, enough said. So their particular chaos is lots of chasing, laughter, tackling, giggles, pokes/prods, cries of “stop it”, etc.
You get the picture.
The touching and bumping and chatter was enough to drive me nuts…I had work to do. I needed to get it done. Yet I was only half-heartedly chiding their disruptions. They are so adorable when they play together. I know I have a unique situation with my 14 year old boy and 10 year old girl being great playmates…I also know it doesn’t always happen this way. So I allow.
After they have gone to bed, I check on my online dating site traffic. I would love to have a date with a really great guy. A guy that understands honesty and openness and silliness. Someone that is smart but not necessarily overly sophisticated. Someone that could hold an intelligent conversation and understand that some tempered back and forth banter is a strength in a relationship. Someone that could see me for who I am. Someone who could lament the crazy parent comment that “I should be ashamed of myself for how I’ve treated her child” because I didn’t ask him to stay after school in the tutoring sessions I’m holding for a few struggling students. Someone who could laugh with me at the antics of my children and share in their joys. Someone who could understand me and want to support me and spend time with me and listen to me and share in the responsibilities that weigh on my shoulders daily and, and, and…
But that is all about me.
I know I’m not ready for love, because I don’t know that I can really be that for anyone else. I just know I need it for myself.
It makes me sad.
It makes me angry at my ex.
It makes me wish things were different.
It makes me wonder “what is really all that different today than what was the case in my marriage four years ago”.
I know I DESERVE more…
…I guess I’m just not ready.
Because I don’t know that I could GIVE more…
…and that is what love is truly all about.