I never wanted a fairy tale…Disney wasn’t my Idol!

I’ve heard people on all sides of divorce (married, working their way towards divorce, and on the other side of divorce) say that the “fairy tale” doesn’t exist.  That people are so caught up in the prince/princess façade of trying to create the “happily ever after” that they can’t handle when it falls short.  They move on to the “grass is always greener” idea they think will give them the “happily ever after” they seek.

I never believed I was a princess.

I didn’t expect any prince charming to “sweep me off my feet”…

I wanted a family.  A husband that loved me and wanted to work through the mud and muck to make our lives full of connection and traditions and forever.  A partner that was willing to fight to create the life that we desired.

I wanted that 80 year old couple talking about having been married 60 years…you know, the ones that still hold hands and giggle like they have some inside joke we all want to be a part of…

I wanted traditions that the kids remembered and wanted to start with their OWN kids because they remembered them and loved them so much.  As well as new traditions we could start together as a family with the next generation…family vacations and events to enjoy and take part in together.

I wanted grandkids to tell stories to about who their grandparents and their parents were before they came along…the fun, exciting people who lived lives full of normal everyday family activities…and threw in the ‘silly’ for good measure.

I wanted shared interests to get excited about together…as much as individual interests where we could share in each other’s joy.  Joining each other along the journey our lives took down a path we paved together.

I wanted a best friend.  Someone I could lean on and depend on.  Someone I could be JUST ME with…and who still loved me in spite of myself.  Someone I could share everything with and know that I was safe in his arms.  I was protected.

I wanted love.  I wanted partnership.

I want love.  I want partnership.

I know I deserve love.  I know I deserve partnership.

Yet I feel that it is now so far out of my reach.

Not that I felt that it was within my reach when toward the end of my marriage…but there was at least still that potential – even slim.  I didn’t dare hope for it at the time…it was so painful.  Yet still, there wasn’t the finality of never having any of it like exists now.

Oh, I know I could still find love.  I could someday find a man that I could love and that would love me immensely.  But those shared histories…the shared path of life…the family unit my kids would want to emulate in their own lives…none of that is ever possible.

There is no one to reminisce about the birth of our three kids…to remember ice cream and Lamaze classes…

There is no one to reminisce about when they took their first steps…or said their first words…or what they were like as toddlers…or growing up and becoming the amazing young people they are today.

There is no one to look through the multitude of scrapbooks that were made of our events and activities through the early years…the scrapbooks only serve to show a life of a family that no longer exists…to bring to light the pain of what “isn’t” any longer, nor will ever be.

I didn’t want a fairy tale.

I wanted the boring kind of life that Disney would never write about…

…a life well lived and shared in its entirety with a partner and best friend.

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