I can’t seem to shake this feeling. I want to move on. I want to not feel the pain. I want to feel worthy. I want to feel that my feelings matter.
I want to unwind my feelings about myself from dealings with my ex and thinking about him and our previous relationship and his now paramour relationship and worrying about the state of my children.
I want every communication and interaction to stop sending me into a tailspin of feeling like the leftover garbage. That I am somehow the one in the wrong because I don’t want to be friends with him (or his girlfriend). That it makes ME the bad person because I can’t forgive and forget and move forward in a positive, loving way towards him (and her by extension).
Truly, take the paramour out of the equation. I can’t even say I’m over the past of our relationship and the feelings of failure at not being good enough for him to love me and want to be a part of a family with me. Because I was ugly. I was bitter. I was hurt and I lashed out and hurt in return. He reasonably wasn’t my soft place to fall, I was a bag of daggers to move out of the way of…
Now put on top of that, that he found someone. He is happy now. He is happy WITHOUT me. He is happy making a family with SOMEONE ELSE. Someone who thinks that I’m a monster because I don’t want to be friendly with her for the sake of my children. That I’m somehow NOT CONSIDERING THEM AND THEIR WELLBEING because I don’t want to acknowledge HER and be friendly. Nor do I want to be her cheerleader to my kids so they feel better about this transition to two separate families.
I used to know that I deserved more. But all evidence is pointing to HE DESERVED MORE and now he’s getting it. While I’m still stuck with all the responsibility on my shoulders. My unreasonable expectations. My inability to find happiness for myself. My inability to accept my position as a divorced mom of three kids and feel happy about it. Really, nothing’s changed in the past six years. Except that he doesn’t live under the same roof, the income I have to work with has diminished, and he’s happier because he got a “do over” of sorts.
I’ve tried therapy. I’ve tried faith. I’ve lost all touch and feel so low when I get to this point. I feel the non-low times are really just a façade … and I hate fake. I feel pathetic. Which just gives credence to being the party worth being ‘left’…