So next week Tuesday I get to sit in a counselor’s office to discuss my recently turned ‘teen’ daughter’s issues.
With my ex.
I’m struggling.
What do I say?
“I’m worried about her anger because she hates her father and is disrespectful to him”??…yet at the same time I don’t blame her for her feelings and I won’t tell her they aren’t justified.
Not that I’m encouraging them.
I just understand where they are coming from.
And I think she has every right to be angry. And hurt.
But she shouldn’t be so outright disrespectful toward her dad.
He thinks this is going to help her self-esteem…but he doesn’t acknowledge that HE is a BIG reason why she feels that she doesn’t measure up…cuz she feels that he LEFT her…that she isn’t worthy because HE LEFT!!
I’m struggling.
Men…take note (not that many men read my blog I’m sure…lol)
Your daughter will judge her worth based on how you treat your relationships with other women…
(namely their mothers…)
Don’t be a doormat…she will learn that she can boss men around and expect that they should do whatever she wants them to do…she will develop a complex that she is “better” than men.
Don’t be a “nice guy”…she may think it’s boring and find the “bad boy” who seems exciting to keep her attention.
Don’t be an asshole…she will expect that she deserves to be treated with disrespect and will allow any partner to do the same as you have done.
Don’t be aloof…she may think she needs to demean herself to keep a man’s attention…the one thing she truly desires.
Be respectful. Love completely. Live with integrity. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Protect the women in your life WITH your life…(mother, wife, daughter). Be silly. Be serious. Listen – and even more…REMEMBER!! Know who she is, and tell her all the parts of her you love specifically. Expect people to live up to their potential and endeavor to do the same yourself. Give your all…and then some…to your family first, then others. Don’t make her the center of your world…except when you are physically with just her…then she should be the number one focus.
Never leave her.
Never tell her that sometimes people fall out of love and they don’t make each other happy and then they have to split up.
I’m struggling.
I have an idea the picture he is going to try and paint to the counselor.
I’m afraid of falling into old habits and putting up the mirror…
I’m afraid of my own frustrations with him coming through…and this needs to be about her…even though it’s really about HIM!!
In my opinion, he’s making her go (and not the other two) because she is the most vocal and angry with him. She treats him disrespectfully, without correction from him. She is angry with him and behaves as such when they are together…the other two tell me of her behavior as well as me witnessing (and corrected her about it on more than one occasion).
The other two are resigned to the circumstances, even though they hate them and have their own feelings of displeasure with their dad…she is just the more ‘forward’ with her opinions/feelings.
I’m struggling.
I hope for clarity and peace on Tuesday when it all comes to pass.
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
maybe you could get her to write a letter? the most important thing is that she is heard yeah… and that this doesnt turn into a situation where the old man is ambushing her. she has her feelings, down on paper… and yeah, theyre there to be heard, she has them on paper.
i dont think you have to say anything necessarily… just that yes, she is struggling, and youre worried about her anger, and you didnt raise her to be disrespectful, but she is hurt and having a hard time with it all.
and you dont want to force anything on her… because shes 13, not 3…imo thats more than old enough for them to be able to set the terms of their own relationships… even if it is with a parent… and thats how it should be no? this is the age where they are really starting to learn more about who they are in any relationship, and while, no the world shouldnt revolve around them… heh. their feelings should be considered, especially when hurt… regardless of who the other person is.
i really think she should be left alone, to a point, like have contact yes, but for the most part, let her decide how it goes… let her go to him… when shes ready… imo, the best thing he can do, is to spend time with her one on one first, so they can get to know each other again… how can she be comfortable with the whole situation if shes not at least somewhat so with him?
good luck! im sure youll be fine… dont worry about what to say… let him do the talking… with that, and the facts… the counsellor will suss him out pretty quick no doubt.
I agree with you that she is capable of setting her own terms of how the relationship should look and the closeness she is interested in having with him. I think she feels often that he disregards her feelings, so she feels entitled to do the same towards him. I can’t argue with that.
I think I am going to try and be as silent as possible in the counselor’s meeting. That is hard for me. I tend to vomit at the mouth with low filter settings typically. ugh…I always hope other people will see through his crap…but I doubt it until it happens. He can be a charmer.
lol, i know exactly what you mean about low filter settings, im the same, and i can be quite brutal and make myself just look nasty heh
i do tend to think, well, thats my truth so there… but maybe i could learn to hold back a little in the future…
i also know what its like to worry he will fool everyone with his *cool* and his *charm*… its so unfunny. and doesnt it just make you mental how others, sometimes trained professionals even, dont question why the more reactive person is reacting that way. he will probably make out that she is his main concern and he wants her to be ok… dont react to it! just support her in saying what she needs to say.
good luck! im sure it will be fine 😀
I feel for you having to do this. Can you talk to the counsellor alone? Is this counselling for her or for him? All I can offer is for you to be as courageous as the most courageous as you have ever been in sticking up for your daughter’s best interests. Do what you feel in your heart is the best for her. And that may be ‘no communication’ with your ex-husband. I do not go along with the ‘we must play happy families’ when the child is traumatised.
I have no idea about the counselor and what may be her approach with this meeting…this was all his doing. He found her, arranged the appointment, and will be picking her up to get her there. I agreed with her due to a short blurb on the internet stating that she specializes in “working with adolescents and women on a wide range of issues including mood disorders, life adjustments, co-dependency, parenting techniques, and interpersonal difficulties. Angela uses a holistic treatment approach by combining Christian principles, cognitive-behavioral skills, psycho-education, and a safe, supportive environment to empower her clients to accomplish their goals.”
I am merely meeting them there because the counselor requested that both parents be at the first meeting. I can’t argue with her intention…she needs perspective, I’m sure, for what concerns are and where to begin. We’ll see how it goes I guess…
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