So today was the appointment with the counselor that I was struggling with…
I’ve realized several things after today…
1. I worry about seeming bitter, because I don’t really want to be perceived that way, because really I don’t feel that I am…but then some of my feelings I think can be interpreted that way…what I’ve realized is THIS:
…the things that get under my skin so much and cause me the most discomfort are the things my ex does on a regular basis in the HERE AND NOW!! It’s not that I’m constantly dredging up the past or his lack of anything during our marriage. My issues are with the man that I have come to realize he is on a DAILY BASIS and my frustration at having to deal with that in my life regularly without much control on when or where it occurs.
2. I don’t envy the paramour her position…I don’t want him. I don’t even like him. I can’t say that I am still in love with him, he squashed that in me so long ago with his inability to be present in our relationship and our family. What I DO feel about her is THIS:
…I feel sorry for her…that she thought she would defile herself and her reputation so much so as to enter into a relationship with a man that wasn’t willing on giving her 100% of himself…and that she truly believes that God wanted them to be together. I don’t respect her as a woman or as a mother to show that example to her children…to move her boyfriend in her condo for three months with little more than a “hope” for something more. I don’t need to consider a friendship with a woman of that character (especially because she chose the married father of my children to do it with). Just my prerogative.
3. My ex will forever try to change the course of events that have occurred to best suit his own needs and in an effort to make himself “look like a good guy”…see, see what I’m doing for you…and how I need to respond is THIS:
…honesty. Pure and simple. I will speak the truth. Even when it hurts me.
And finally,
4. My children are amazing people.
…but I really already knew that…
So the appointment…
The ex and I both sat on ends of the counselor’s couch anxiously. She spoke a bit about procedures and policies and such, then she asked about what prompted us to bring our lovely girl in to see her…
My ex looked to me. As though he wanted me to start the talking.
Um, this was your idea. I don’t know that I think she really needs counseling at this point.
I sat patiently.
He started up…already trying to rewrite history…”we’ve been separated for three years”
Um. No. We’re divorced.
Then he brought up that our beauty is having a hard time with the girlfriend he’s had for the past year.
WHAT!!????
Um. No. We’re here, you need to tell her the truth, it’s been much longer than a year.
Well, our beauty has only known about her for a year.
Yes, but she’s not in here right now, is she? So be honest. You’ve been with her much longer than that even if you didn’t tell the kids about her until last January, they have figured out she was around longer than that. They just haven’t figure out EXACTLY how long.
Later…
…is there any history of mental illness or alcoholism? yes. mental on his side, alcohol on mine.
…do either of you drink.
ME: No, not really. Maybe once or twice a month or so.
HIM: Socially.
Um. The kids say you drink more regularly than just socially.
So, do you drink regularly?
Not really.
About how many drinks do you have?
A couple glasses of wine every other day or so.
Do you drink on the weekends when you have the kids with you?
Yes.
Ummm….that sure seems “regularly” to me??? Or do you consider the kids your “social” time?
Now, I’m not saying he’s an alcoholic or I think he has a problem. I don’t know that he does have a problem per se.
My effort is just to show how, yet again, he is trying to paint a picture of something other than what is truly happening.
An obvious question…
Do the two of you have a decent relationship communicating…
(this isn’t obvious!? lol) NO
HIM: We are cordial and speak about the kids.
Yes. The hostilities are all on my side. I will take complete responsibility for that…he thinks we should be friends. It’s all me.
What reason did you give the kids about your split?
HIM: That we fell out of love. We didn’t make each other happy anymore, so we couldn’t live together anymore.
…and do you agree with that?
ME: NO!
…so what have you told them when they ask you?
“Sometimes relationships get broken to a point where they can’t be repaired. Your dad and I had a break that couldn’t be repaired.”
I believe that what he has told my girls is that someone could fall out of love with you and then when you aren’t happy they will leave. I think this sets up a situation where the girls believe they must “make someone happy” in order for them to stay “in love” with them so they won’t leave. UGH!! NOOOOO!!!
The big truth…
When it was all said and done, I asked him what he thought/hoped our beauty would get from all of this.
…I hope that she has the confidence to express how she feels.
WHAAAAATTTTT????!!! And HOW in God’s green earth do you figure that her expressing to you that
1. She sometimes hates you.
2. You never listen to her.
3. She feels that you forced the relationship on her.
4. You don’t consider her feelings.
etc. etc. to NOT be her confidently communicating her feelings toward you??
and then the TRUTH was spoken…
and of course I hope our relationship improves. There you have it. You hope she likes you again because a counselor has fixed her beliefs about you to make her more ‘forgiving’ so you don’t really have to do the hard work to earn back her trust and admiration.
This. This is why. THIS is why I sound bitter!! Because I can’t stand that I have to subject my beauty to his selfishness and manipulation for any second longer.
…and I’m glad I’m past this moment at least.
Until the NEXT stupid interaction with the schmuck.
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
It’s all demoralizing, I know. I finally told my children that when you get married, you make promises to each other, and that their dad broke his promises. And as they get older, I suppose they’ll want to know even more. No matter how I feel about their dad, I don’t want them to know anything else about what he’s done because it will hurt them.
Cheaters put everyone in terrible positions. I don’t think you’re bitter. You’re frustrated and angry about issues that would anger and frustrate any honest person with a heart.
I won’t go out of my way to tell my kids anything they don’t want to know, but I can’t see myself lying to them or “covering up” what truly happened. (though my ex would at every turn if he could) If they ask me point blank questions, I tend to be honest to a fault…hopefully they will have grown to be strong people that know how best to deal with painful challenges. That which doesn’t kill us makes us stronger.
I agree. I wonder, though, why my children never ask me point blank questions. I don’t think they want to know right now?
And yes, I think that our children, with a little luck, will grow up stronger and hopefully more open-minded and compassionate because of their parents’ divorce. I hope so, anyhow.
blerk… much of what you expected yeah? im so sorry hes a #@(&face. i think i would feel much the same in your situation… especially worrying about him making himself look like the good guy, while as much as you may not care… you still think hes a #@($&face heh. i hope the counsellor sees things from yours and your daughters perspectives and calls his butt in to tell him proper what he needs to be doing! *hugs*
my big boy has his first travellers session today, will hear about it when he gets home, he met the counsellor on monday and this was said… “he made me feel like a poor abandoned child who was found on the side of the road, i felt like he was looking down at me”… eek. youd think a male high school counsellor would be a bit more… fun? idk. will wait to hear how group went.
Oh no…that sounds awful!! 😦
I hope it improved from his first impression. I think people who work with children need to have that “special something” that allows them to connect with a large majority and see things from their perspectives…praying for your big boy!
thank you 😀 i think he will be ok, its good that the counsellor seems nice, and caring, but i know he wont respond to that, because hes kinda like me, he will see it as pity, as it telling him there is something wrong with him, theres nothing wrong with him! and i told him so. in fact i told him to ignore it, that hes just trying to be nice, and it doesnt say anything about him..
i just thought a high school counsellor, would yeah, as you say, be a bit more engaging… like that cool teacher or coach… rather than… a counsellor lol.
I feel for you Your daughter is reacting normally to an abnormal situation and there is nothing wrong with her (she is simply reacting to trauma). You are such a good mother in putting the emotional well-being of your daughter as the most important consideration.
Thank you…I hope I am doing the right thing by her, and my other two. I try to make sure what I say and do is coming from the right place, and only working to improve their lives if I can. Sometimes I believe the more information you have, the better decisions you can make. Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂 Hope you are well these days.
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