It’s just so lonely.
This life I didn’t imagine for myself.
It’s just so damn lonely.
I find myself in a place I never chose.
With responsibilities that weigh heavily on my shoulders and feel heavier by the day, the month, the year…responsibilities that are solely mine alone.
There is no fall back. There is no safe place to land. There is no sharing of the load.
There is just me.
Trying to do it right. Trying to do right by my kids. Trying to do right by my students. Trying to do right by my God.
I go through motions of a life that feels empty emotionally in so many regards. I give and give and there is no refueling in sight.
I try to see the little things and find blessing in those things. I really do. And sometimes it works.
It’s not my divorce.
It’s not his affair.
It’s my seeming inability to find comfort. Support. Appreciation. Acceptance. Love.
My inability to feel confident in my abilities and not feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.
I feel broken.
I don’t know how to put myself back together.
I feel that my brokenness makes me less worthy. No, not less worthy, UNworthy.
These moments pass.
But when they hit…boy…talk about a TON – O – BRICKS smack in the face.
Powerless. Helpless. Pathetic.
It’s just oh, so very lonely.