It’s just so lonely.
This life.
This life I didn’t imagine for myself.
It’s just so damn lonely.
I find myself in a place I never chose.
With responsibilities that weigh heavily on my shoulders and feel heavier by the day, the month, the year…responsibilities that are solely mine alone.
There is no fall back. There is no safe place to land. There is no sharing of the load.
There is just me.
Trying to do it right. Trying to do right by my kids. Trying to do right by my students. Trying to do right by my God.
I go through motions of a life that feels empty emotionally in so many regards. I give and give and there is no refueling in sight.
I try to see the little things and find blessing in those things. I really do. And sometimes it works.
It’s not my divorce.
It’s not his affair.
It’s my seeming inability to find comfort. Support. Appreciation. Acceptance. Love.
My inability to feel confident in my abilities and not feel overwhelmed by my responsibilities.
I feel broken.
I don’t know how to put myself back together.
I feel that my brokenness makes me less worthy. No, not less worthy, UNworthy.
These moments pass.
They do.
But when they hit…boy…talk about a TON – O – BRICKS smack in the face.
Powerless. Helpless. Pathetic.
Unworthy.
It’s just oh, so very lonely.
Making Sense from MY Perspective 
it is, im so sorry youre feeling it too 😦
i was told once, at least you have your kids…
and most of the time, yes, it works… but its more, that they have me, you know? ive got to be strong, for them, ive got to be there, for them… and yeah, it gives me purpose and all that… but whos there for me… ? and them… there was supposed to be someone else there for them too…
I can identify completely with your perspective…they have me. And while I do lean on them at times, I often feel that it is selfish and irresponsible to expect that of them. They are kids and they didn’t ask for any of this and shouldn’t be responsible for me in any way. I am strong for them.
…And he was supposed to be strong for us all…
I feel like this too sometimes…well a lot actually. At those times I just wish there was a protector there to wrap their big arms around me and help me with big life decisions, take away the pain etc
Then I wake up and realise that I am alone and parts of being alone really scare me.
OK, so THAT was my frightened inner child talking. Somehow the strong confident nurturing protective mother, also inside of me, realizes that she is there to protect my own self as well and to calm my inner child. It does not work all the time but when I am feeling anxious and scared I do try and find that inner strength I have as a mother and use it on myself.
One way I have found works to find that inner mother-side for myself that may work for you too is this. Write down all the positive and courageous things that you have done and keep it handy. Put it on the fridge or beside your bed to read each morning. Read it over and over. Maybe write a post about it.You ARE a strong person. You WILL survive. I can see that in the positive spirit you have in your posts and the care and love you have for your children. I believe in you.
I like your analogy of the inner child and having the strong mother within to help care for said child. It helps bring things around full circle to recognizing your moments of weakness and then allowing it to occur so you can grow from it and become stronger. Your kind words are well received. Thank you.