Yes. I have dabbled in the online dating scene. More than I would like to admit.
LONGER than I would like to admit….
The sites are rank with disrespectful and horny men looking to get laid. Not sure when talking “sex” with someone you’ve never met left the 1-900-TALK-SEX late night phone call realm.
maybe I should charge a “1-900 fee” for some of the things I’ve read…
The number of “lonely hearts” who spend 99% of their free time sitting on a couch with their beer can watching NASCAR or WWF or old reruns of Beverly Hillbillies who contact me is comical…is it something about my profile that makes them think we have ANYTHING in common???
and yet while I say that, I feel like such a snobby elitist…
Then there are the men of ‘thug’ville that look like they just got out of the big house – you know, the guys with tattoos covering their entire body, their hat hardly on their head, the thick chain around their neck, wife beater tank (if they’re even wearing a shirt at all – don’t want to cover that tat spanning their bare chest now, do we) with some gang symbol thrown in their pic…
I guess they couldn’t read the part of my profile that says I’m looking for intelligent conversation…
In all truth, I have met some very nice men. I have had a handful of decent dates, dodged a few bullets, and had a couple men make it to a second or third date…only to realize that nothing was going to come of it really.
It’s all very exhausting.
To think there is hope. To believe that “just maybe” there is someone out there for me…to just be dashed away again.
All while he is living a life of relationship with someone. HE gets to be loved. HE gets to be supported. HE gets the rewards of relationship.
And that is probably the biggest crux of it all.
Yes, they are surprisingly (NOT REALLY) back together again. He and his paramour.
I’m beginning to read all the signs easily now.
His ebb and flow between being remorseful and helpful and polite and “present” to his absence and shortness and blaming ‘can’t be bothered’ attitude…
I hate that it affects me.
I don’t like feeling jealous in some regards. Jealous that HE gets to live a life with someone. That HIM getting that life somehow makes me UNWORTHY of it for myself, because I haven’t found it and believe in many regards that it probably doesn’t exist for me…
Unfair. Like I’m a toddler who isn’t getting my own way, so I’m pouting.
Yet my standards are high. And I don’t lower them.
Yet I have priorities (my children) which often make it difficult. And I don’t rearrange them.
Yet I have YET to meet a man that I feel is compatible enough to see beyond those standards and priorities. As though he is supposed to come out of the mist with a bouquet of flowers and a sign saying “I am your forever”…
In many regards I do believe that God does have a plan for me…I just don’t like that it doesn’t run along with the expectations I have…I don’t like feeling like I’m being punished in some way…and I don’t like even more the feeling that he is getting rewarded…while I remain, as always, the one responsible in so many different ways.
It’s a lonely place. Being the one responsible for so much.
I just want someone who I enjoy sharing time with, who can make me feel loved and important, who can hold my hand when things get tough and kiss away my fears.
So………it’s called “match.com”……..where’s my perfect match? 😉