How Low Can You Go?

Having a low moment tonight.

It’s been awhile.

But this is a huge step backward for me. Huge. I feel back at that place where I wanted to curl into a ball and climb in bed and not get out. I want to shut out the world.

The world that shows me how he is getting a second chance at life. How he is the good guy and how I am just being the petty bitch. His world. The one I see through HIM.

If he weren’t around, and I didn’t have to deal with him, I think I would be in a much better place.

But that’s on me.

I need to put on my big girl panties and quit feeling sorry for myself.

He wins.

I just need to accept that.

He won.

Yes, the kids apparently DID just need to see him happy…which wasn’t happening with me.

They are happy to hear about his latest escapades in dating and the newest “girl” he’s met. Because it’s a connection they can have with him. The stories are funny. And my oldest daughter likes to hear and asks because she wants to be prepared and not blindsided when he “settles down” again. And surely a 10 year old needs to know that when Daddy goes to the mountain cabin with his new friend that they are definitely sleeping in separate rooms. Right? That’s reasonable?

They don’t mind that he has dropped them off early every Sunday on his weekends for the past several months. They prefer to hang out at home anyway…not to mention they have homework that needs to be done. No, they were too busy to do it at his place.

It’s no skin off their teeth that he cancels every other week for the past month and a half his regular scheduled Tuesday. He DOES have to work afterall. And besides, they’re just at their activities anyway, they don’t care who shuttles them to and fro. Because I get them there when he bails. And they know no different.

He continues to complain about how strapped he is for money. Can’t we “go in together” on their Christmas gifts this year. He’s too extended on the motorcycle, car, winery membership, weekend getaway in the mountains for his birthday, shotgun he bought to go hunting with our son, etc.

Offering to share Christmas morning with me at his apartment so we can give our ‘joint gifts’ to the kids together. And when I express how that would make me feel uncomfortable, that we don’t have a relationship like that (as I’ve stated previously), he sighs and comments about how “he’ll continue to be the generous person he is and offer opportunities” and I can choose to accept or decline.

And then I DO feel like it’s all me.

Like I’m the one doing things wrong.

Like I’m the pathetic, bitter, ex that can’t just see that he is a generous, kind man and accept him, FORGIVE him, and move forward as friends for the “best interest of my kids”.

HIS lens.

His damn lens.

Can’t I just break those damn glasses once and for all and be free of his perspective?

I don’t want it to be about winning.

But damn it, I want to feel on top.

I want to feel like the planets are aligning for me.

And I shouldn’t.

I should find a way to be satisfied and happy with who I am. To see the joys in my life more clearly and regularly. Because God knows, I DO NOT want him back in my life. If anything, I want him OUT once and for all. I hate how I feel around him. I hate that he affects me this way.

I hate him.

And I need to get to a place of indifference.

I know that.

But I’m in a low spot tonight.

Maybe tomorrow.


About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own this is MY Perspective.
This entry was posted in life after divorce and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to How Low Can You Go?

  1. Baby steps, tomorrow is a new day.

  2. jadedwildcat says:

    Must be something in the moon’s cycle this weekend because I also had a huge emotional breakdown and setback today – feeling like I’m right back where I started. Another friend is suffering the same.
    Very odd.
    Hopefully the guys are hurting too though – or at least stressing like we are.

    • I think I’m finally to the point where I don’t “want” him to suffer. Don’t get me wrong, when I hear he is flailing in some way, I do get some level of pleasure. But I don’t consciously desire for him to suffer as I once did…I honestly try to think of him as little as humanly possible. (somedays better than others with this one)
      Thanks for reading and commenting! I hope you are coming through your own clouds better today…

      • jadedwildcat says:

        Well when I said I hope the guys are hurting, I more so meant that they are missing us and the good old days and that we aren’t the only losers sitting around reminiscing and feeling the pain. I couldn’t bear the thought of my ex suffering either – but in a way it does help me to think that he’s hurting too, in the same way, because then at least I know what we had was real… if that makes sense… *sigh* and thanks for the good wishes. Xx

      • Sorry if I seemed to misconstrue…that was not my intention. I think I have a different perspective to the “suffering”…but mainly because I DID want my ex to suffer. And not in a nice way. 😦 During our marriage, I wanted him to feel the same pain I felt by the lack of his love and interest in me and our lives together. I was in that place for a long time. I hope that I am truly out of that stage, as I believe I am, because I know it only darkens my own heart.

        I truly doubt that my ex reminisces and feels like he is a loser in all the fallout that has occurred…at least in regard to me and our lives together as a couple. I often wonder if he is truly even capable of loving through the fog that is his own self interest and promotion. He is so invested in making himself look good and doing what makes him feel “like a good guy” that he often fails to see how he affects others with his own self preservation. He easily puts me into the “causative” role and uses me and my actions to justify his own disrespectful and selfish behavior. Cause you know he would just be a GREAT guy if I wasn’t such a BITCH…deflect, deflect, deflect.

  3. Jane Evans says:

    Days & periods of time like these are really tough. Your consistency with your children will & should remain. It will give them solid skills to base their own relationships on. As they get older they see & form their own opinions. In my experience, they see the real picture. My ex remarried on Friday I did not know how I would feel. Pleased to report that it was indifference x

    • How proud you must feel at the indifference! At least I think that will be my feeling about it when I reach that point. PRIDE…that I no longer look through his lens. That I no longer consider his opinions…of me or anything else. I know my kids will and often DO see the real picture…it just makes me sad for them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s