Having a low moment tonight.
It’s been awhile.
But this is a huge step backward for me. Huge. I feel back at that place where I wanted to curl into a ball and climb in bed and not get out. I want to shut out the world.
The world that shows me how he is getting a second chance at life. How he is the good guy and how I am just being the petty bitch. His world. The one I see through HIM.
If he weren’t around, and I didn’t have to deal with him, I think I would be in a much better place.
But that’s on me.
I need to put on my big girl panties and quit feeling sorry for myself.
I just need to accept that.
Yes, the kids apparently DID just need to see him happy…which wasn’t happening with me.
They are happy to hear about his latest escapades in dating and the newest “girl” he’s met. Because it’s a connection they can have with him. The stories are funny. And my oldest daughter likes to hear and asks because she wants to be prepared and not blindsided when he “settles down” again. And surely a 10 year old needs to know that when Daddy goes to the mountain cabin with his new friend that they are definitely sleeping in separate rooms. Right? That’s reasonable?
They don’t mind that he has dropped them off early every Sunday on his weekends for the past several months. They prefer to hang out at home anyway…not to mention they have homework that needs to be done. No, they were too busy to do it at his place.
It’s no skin off their teeth that he cancels every other week for the past month and a half his regular scheduled Tuesday. He DOES have to work afterall. And besides, they’re just at their activities anyway, they don’t care who shuttles them to and fro. Because I get them there when he bails. And they know no different.
He continues to complain about how strapped he is for money. Can’t we “go in together” on their Christmas gifts this year. He’s too extended on the motorcycle, car, winery membership, weekend getaway in the mountains for his birthday, shotgun he bought to go hunting with our son, etc.
Offering to share Christmas morning with me at his apartment so we can give our ‘joint gifts’ to the kids together. And when I express how that would make me feel uncomfortable, that we don’t have a relationship like that (as I’ve stated previously), he sighs and comments about how “he’ll continue to be the generous person he is and offer opportunities” and I can choose to accept or decline.
And then I DO feel like it’s all me.
Like I’m the one doing things wrong.
Like I’m the pathetic, bitter, ex that can’t just see that he is a generous, kind man and accept him, FORGIVE him, and move forward as friends for the “best interest of my kids”.
His damn lens.
Can’t I just break those damn glasses once and for all and be free of his perspective?
I don’t want it to be about winning.
But damn it, I want to feel on top.
I want to feel like the planets are aligning for me.
And I shouldn’t.
I should find a way to be satisfied and happy with who I am. To see the joys in my life more clearly and regularly. Because God knows, I DO NOT want him back in my life. If anything, I want him OUT once and for all. I hate how I feel around him. I hate that he affects me this way.
I hate him.
And I need to get to a place of indifference.
I know that.
But I’m in a low spot tonight.