I’m in a general state of malaise.
I’m dissatisfied with my life.
I know, big surprise, right?
If you’ve read any of my blog before, you could read it between most all lines I’ve written.
“The life I didn’t choose”
“The constant dealings with the disrespectful ex”
“The discontent with the time commitment of my new job assignment”
“The location I would never have selected had I had a choice”
“The responsibilities that weigh on my shoulders unshared but for a few hours a week”
The list can go on and on…
I don’t WANT to be a negative person. I don’t like FEELING like a negative person. I sometimes behave under the fallacy that you can “behave your way to being”, but my perceptive mind always makes sure to point out my ‘fakeness’.
I was not created to be a loner.
I know there are people out there who seek adventure. They are perfectly content to go through life chasing dreams and pursuits and achievements. It’s not that they don’t have meaningful relationships with people, it’s just that relationships aren’t the forefront of their existence. They want to experience things. They want to achieve things. They want to accomplish things.
I’ve never been driven by needs like those. The desires that tell me I have to run a marathon because I can. The desires that put me on a plane to explore a foreign country with no more that the bag on my back. The desires to achieve a higher degree or to move into positions that would allow me to “make more of an impact” in my line of work.
What has held most of my attention and interest has always involved people. Mostly the kinds of relationships I have, could have, want to have, with people.
For as long as I can remember, I have worried/wondered what people think of me. I have tried to be someone people would like, would like to be like, would want to like.
Couple that with a judgemental STUBBORN steak a mile long and feelings of superiority that are so completely unfounded and you can see my predicament.
What ends up happening is that people let me down, and as much as I want them to like me, I do things that cause the opposite. And of course I worry about what they think of me, so then I try to make sure I’m “right”…so I can justify my own position.
I have always known I was a “Right Fighter”…if you ever watch Dr. Phil on TV, you know exactly what I’m saying…
So I fight. I want to be right. And I want people to like me. I want to find someone who ‘gets’ me and I can have the meaningful relationship I long for so deeply.
You see the problem here.
WHO in their RIGHT MIND would choose to be entering into a relationship of any sort with a superior complexed, argumentative, right fighter who tends to reside in a normal state of malaise?
But hey, at least I’m dealing better with the ex and acceptance of the finality of my marriage and that dream has been put to bed almost completely.
I’m just sad when I think about it.
It’s easier being busy.
So I’ll go now because tomorrow is another day of work, never ending taxi service to three VERY involved teens/pre-teen, and trying to be a mom for my kids.
Fake it till you make it. Right?!