These are the hard times. You try to play it off as just any other day.
But it isn’t.
It’s a reminder.
It’s a slap in the face.
It’s the harsh reality.
My children are waking up to Christmas morning away from me. Their mother.
This isn’t the first year.
And it won’t be the last.
And the other years, well, they’ll be waking up away from their father.
And this is the reality for the remainder of their years.
This reality is what brings me to tears so easily during the absences.
I want to be a mom. I want to have these times. I want to create and live out the traditions of my family.
I don’t want to hear about them after the fact without my presence.
I don’t want to share.
Don’t get me wrong. I believe that my children deserve to have a relationship with their father. I believe that my children deserve to have a father that loves them and is involved in their lives and shares experiences with them. I believe my children DESERVE a father.
I don’t believe my children deserved to have been pushed aside for the career aspirations of a man that always felt he had something to prove – to someone else.
I don’t believe my children deserved to have been forced to accept a “new” life and “new” family once that same man decided the grass was greener elsewhere.
I don’t believe my children deserved to now be a focus only because that grass wasn’t greener…and I don’t believe that they will deserve the disregard that is almost certain to come once the next thing comes along that takes that man’s fickle attentions.
I don’t believe my children deserve to be the fall out of a man that doesn’t really know how to be honest with himself or others around him.
But I don’t stand in his way.
I don’t limit their interactions.
I don’t begrudge them the moments they CAN share with him or the memories they CAN create to hopefully make a better relationship because I know it is good for THEM.
But it doesn’t stop me from feeling such remorse for the realities they have to face, and feeling sorry for myself that I have to share. That I have to sacrifice my own joyous experiences so that HE can get to experience…HE…the one who CHOSE to disintegrate this family from the inside out.
So forgive me, but I’m going to try and continue the facade that today is just any other day.
Hold your babies close, revel in the magic that is today, and count every blessing.
I will do the same when I am reunited with my babies.