I really wish I could be ‘happy’ for my ex…
you know, ‘wish him well’…
you know, NOT wish he would ‘accidentally’ fall off a cliff…
you know, the upstanding thing to do for a woman who has moved past ‘the past’ and let bygones be bygones and ‘forgiven’!
you know, not be stuck in the past.
I’m just not that enlightened I guess.
I move forward in my life.
I do things that I want to do…like buying a travel trailer to take my three kids across county this summer for a month – something I have always wanted to do since BEFORE I ever even HAD kids…I just never wanted to do it alone.
I date…you know, those ridiculous website promises of finding your perfect match from all the fish in the sea…and yet haven’t been properly kissed or felt a reciprocal attraction in months (probably even more than 12)…with having been on more than I’d like to count of ‘first dates’!
I have great groups of girlfriends…we get together pretty regularly. BUNCO once a month, my teacher friends pretty regularly, a best friend I’ve gone to Mexico with.
I have great relationships with my kids…all three of them are FANTASTIC! Oldest to be a junior next year, middle to start high school in the fall with a sought after position in a Governor’s School program, the youngest now starting her first years of middle school. I’m so proud of who they are and the character they display. They are mature beyond their years (which sometimes saddens me how they have lost so much of their childhood innocence).
My focus isn’t on ‘finding a man’…my life is full of so much it is often overwhelming…yet the loneliness is deafening through it all.
I wonder why I can’t seem to feel full with all the things I DO have in my life.
I wonder why I can’t seem to be proud of accomplishing all that I do.
I wonder why I can’t seem to connect with some nice men, even if I’m not ‘attracted’ to them.
I wonder why my girlfriends can’t fill that void of companionship I feel in the depths.
I wonder why my kids being the center of my life often feels less fulfilling than it should.
I feel most ‘even’ when I don’t hear about how the ex is having a good life. It’s like I want him to suffer and feel the pain of the life he’s pushed on me…though I also realize in my rational mind that I am partly to blame as much as he is and I made choices along the way that brought me to this place…
I continue to make choices that bring me to the place I am right now…
but I just wish his life wasn’t roses…