“Nice Guys” – and why they don’t ‘finish first’

(at least with me)

“nice guys”

you know the ones…they proclaim that they ‘don’t get the date’ and ‘no girls like them’ because they are ‘too nice’

why? well I can tell you for me, it’s generally about this one simple trait

I actually DO want you to have an opinion.

I don’t WANT to make every decision. I don’t WANT you to ‘not care’ what we do or where we eat or which couch to purchase.

Mind you, that does NOT mean that I will agree with you. Or for that matter, that I think you have to agree with ME!

Most “nice guys” I am talking about could also be described as generally spineless. They don’t really have an opinion on things, don’t assert themselves, and try to avoid any and all conflict by being super agreeable (because they “really don’t care” enough to ‘argue’ with you about something? they would just rather go along to get along)

In my opinion, super ‘nice guys’ need super ‘nice girls’ so they can both go along and be indecisive together; avoiding all conflict and never really getting to the truth of who they are at all, for fear of upsetting? the other. How unexciting.

Now … it’s not that I desire a ‘bad boy’ … that’s not the case.

And a man having an opinion and asserting it does not equate with being a ‘bad boy’. I think of a bad boy as the one that bucks the system and goes rogue when the time suits him. Unprincipled and asshole personality is not what I’m looking for either.

What having no opinion really says…

When a man leaves all decisions up to a woman; when, where, what, how, it gets tedious. I think the ‘nice guy’ thinks he’s being a gentleman and allowing the woman to have her desires met. Plus, it’s easier. He maybe truly ‘doesn’t care’ in many circumstances.

What it says to the woman is “I don’t want to think about this-you decide.” And when every decision is left up to me, I feel like a mother, not a significant other. Helpless children must leave most decisions up to their caretaker…they can’t decide for themselves most of the time. I don’t want to make every decision.

Having no opinion usurps responsibility onto the decision maker, thereby relinquishing the other party from any responsibility. Again, a parent has to take responsibility for a child, because they don’t possess the ability to see the logistics of all possible outcomes…not to mention they are a minor. It is a parent’s responsibility to rear a child up in making good, responsible decisions. I would hope that a grown man has already been ‘reared’ so they can make decisions.

Assertion and “nice guy” status don’t tend to come as a package deal. I prefer assertive. Not domineering, just assertive. Mainly because that’s what you’ll get in return from me.

About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own glasses...so this is MY Perspective.
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5 Responses to “Nice Guys” – and why they don’t ‘finish first’

  1. Wow this is profound! Such a difference between passive and being assertive when. Nice Guys can be just that but women will get completely turned off if they appear as if they can’t make decisions. I was in a marriage like this and it ended in divorce because I truly felt like this man’s mother. He was a super Nice Guy but left almost every major decision up to me and it was a serious turn off! He was never able to find his balance. Having a Nice Guy who is confident and assertive in certain areas is what I think all us gals need but finding that mix can be complex. Great post! Chanel

  2. Sometimes it is a fine line …

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