Personal Sabotage

So I’m talking to a guy…VERY early in talking. We started talking about a month ago. From what I know (because it’s an online website profile and we all know how possibly wrong that can all go) he’s attractive and down to earth. He has a service oriented job where he helps people and gets to be a bad ass, but also has full custody of his two boys and believes in being a dad first. Kind of a dream in my book. So I immediately go to my insecure place of not being good enough.

Not being attractive enough.

Not being ‘worthy’.

So of course he won’t like me.

Then every turn gives me evidence of “see, he’s talking to other women, he’s not that in to me” or “see, he’s not responding quickly, he’s not really interested”.

We talked several times on the phone, texted off and on for several days over the first three weeks.

We can’t meet, because he is moving to the area this summer, and isn’t here yet. I know, quite the situation for catfishing to occur. I am trying to be hopeful and open to possibilities.

Then there was a break. As there SHOULD be. A few days went by without communication.

I started to doubt.

Lives get busy. We can’t whirlwind ourselves around the fantasy. We need to come up for reality air.

In the gap…fear, insecurity, and doubt creep in and take up residence. It doesn’t take long. Just a couple days. So instead of laying low and letting things take shape on their own, I control. Or attempt to control. I do what my girlfriend and I dubbed “poke the bear”. We reach out without waiting for a guy to contact or pursue us. Then wait for a response and analyze the time it takes, the content if/when it comes, etc. and use it as a gauge to determine things that shouldn’t be determined from a flippant text. We act like school girls. Its immature and ridiculous.

When I deem that the response isn’t as ‘enthusiastic’ as I think it should be, I attempt to sever “first” before the other party can tell me the things I’m thinking about myself are true and they really AREN’T that in to me. I take it personally.

Yet I know I do the same in return to men who might be interested in me. I drop them like a hot rock when they push too hard. I walk away without looking back. I think nothing of it really…because I wasn’t vested to begin with.

So I shouldn’t expect vested. I shouldn’t look for vested. ESPECIALLY after only a couple weeks.

Yet I do with the ones I really want to work. The ones who I’m surprised they even started talking to me in the first place because they are obviously way out of my league (IMO).

And it ruins my chances.

And I know it does.

And yet I still impulsively ‘poke the bear’ and over analyze.

I sabotage my own potential happiness.

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