The appointment went smoothly enough. I don’t understand why I am always anxious going in to situations such as this…I often come out feeling more validated than judged. I guess it’s the long standing self doubt that was instilled in me throughout my life and marriage. I don’t see my own value accurately because it was never valued by those I hoped loved me and SHOULD value me…and ultimately I don’t value myself enough?!
My son was afforded a conversation that was LONG overdue in my opinion. His dad was brought to the table for abandonment and feelings of neglect spanning time before our resulting divorce. He apologized to his son and made his case that he made some “wrong decisions” that hurt him and how he was regretful of that…I wish he had taken more direct responsibility for his actions…like “I’m sorry I didn’t put you first for such a long time. It was wrong. I want to be a better dad. I hope I can make it up to you somehow.”… but then again, he is still the same man he always has been. Me wishing for a different outcome is like expecting Old Faithful to all of sudden stop spewing hot steamy water from the earth. The conditions all remain the same, therefore the outcome continues. Such is the same for my ex.
My son asked for more ‘meaningful time’ with his dad. My SIXTEEN year old son…almost SEVENTEEN…asked for more time. I think that’s unheard of for a teenager to WANT to spend time with their parents. Yet mine asked. We’ll see if there is follow through. There were good words of support and appreciation for the request…as well as blame thrown back that “well I didn’t think you wanted to do those kinds of things” like it’s my son’s fault that they don’t do ‘guy’ things together. Typical fashion.
I have some amazing kids…truly amazing. My son just scored a 1280 on his first attempt on his SAT as a junior…now his lack of motivation where schoolwork is related leaves A LOT to be desired, but at least I know he has some major potential. My oldest
daughter is excelling more and more and coming into her own as an artist, while still maintaining her straight As in the accelerated program in her high school. The one on the left is literally FINGERPAINT and the one on the right was a ‘rough pencil sketch’ she went over with pen/ink. And these are just pictures I took with my phone!!
My youngest is coming into her own and is trying out many different things and wants to give basketball a try…not something I would have ever seen her going to since she danced for most of her life until she quit last year…but I look forward to supporting her with the endeavor!
I truly am a blessed woman. I am thankful that I have been there through all of it with them. Walking with them, carrying them, and prodding them along the way. I have very few regrets about my involvement with my children. I worry a lot. I push them sometimes too far and sometimes let them get away with too much. I feel like a failure a lot.
But I wouldn’t trade my MOM badge for any other job in the world.