Setting Goals

I have decided to set two goals.

1.  Walk at least three times a week around the neighborhood loop of 2 miles.

I’m not a runner.  I figured that out last summer when I trained for an obstacle course/race I entered with a few friends.  It was a 5 mile course with obstacles every half mile or so.  I trained to the point of being able to run about 2 miles without stopping before the race.  Though I decided that once the race was over, I would absolutely stop running.  It just isn’t for me.  I don’t get any satisfaction from it.  Honestly, I don’t get how the masses here find so much enjoyment from it…

so I will walk.

Because I need to be more active.  Not that I’m not active at all.  It’s just that I need to be more focused active for the purpose of balancing my physical activity and my calorie intake and sleep needs.  I haven’t been sleeping well lately.  I think having a more regular focused exercise may help.

2.  Stop talking about the ex with others…especially my mom and my bestie.

I have used my mom and my best friend as my collection bin for all my frustrations and anger and hurt surrounding every interaction I have had with my ex.  When we have ‘incidents’ I immediately turn to them and use their shoulders and need their assurances that “yes, he is an ass”.  I need them.  I need their confirmations that he is wrong, or misguided, or manipulative, or out of line.  I need that prop that I am not the problem; that I have truly not done anything wrong by being me and having my opinions and setting my boundaries.

I need to stop this cycle.  I need to stop the focus on him…the focus on what he’s done…the focus on who he is…the focus on what he has said…

I need to stop allowing him to control how I feel.  How I feel about me.  And a big contributor to this control is based in my need to ruminate in the situation and rehash it and place blame, so that I can feel better about myself.

I need to feel secure in how I deal with him.  I need to stop seeking affirmation from others to boost me up.  I am human.  I do what I feel I need to do, whether it is out of need for healthy boundaries for myself, or need to maintain my own peace of mind, or my need to be honest.  And I need to leave it at that.

I will make mistakes.  I will do some things right and from a good place.  Some things will be wrong and may be from a place of negativity…but I’m human.  When I recognize that it is from a negative place, I can only try to change that behavior and do differently next time.  Not for him, but for me.  I don’t want to be a resentful person, but I do feel the need to protect myself from him and that is not unreasonable.  But in the end, I don’t want to be a bitter resentful person…not for him or what he things of me…but for me…for myself and my own view of who I am and who I want to be in this world.  Regardless of who HE is in this world.

I need to stop giving him so much energy.

Part of that energy is in the form of time and conversation.

So that’s my goal.

Stop talking about him and our interactions with other people.

Now, that doesn’t include this forum…I think I still need some sort of mental outlet to work through things.  It helps to get it out of my head.  But I will try to leave everything on the table here and walk away from it once it’s done…stop bringing it into my daily life.

These are my goals.

We’ll see how it goes.

I’m hopeful it is a good direction for me.


About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own this is MY Perspective.
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2 Responses to Setting Goals

  1. There are two books which have helped me a lot ‘Living and Loving After Betrayal’ and ‘You Don’t Have To Take It Anymore’ (harmful effects of walking on eggshells). Both by Steven Stosny. The books really helped me put the focus back on me rather than him (although I often fall backwards in the heat of the moment). In the second book he describes how some therapies do not work and can actually be harmful and that is a really interesting chapter. It is interesting you wrote this post because emotionally I went backwards after an encounter with my ex last week and I leaned on my best friend. After having read those books though, I realized I didn’t turn to her as a means of ‘bashing’ him so much as my need for comfort from someone, someone who will reassure me that I am not as bad as he makes me feel. Gradually I am doing the self-talk on my own and it is taking quite a while having listened to his voice and perspective about me for far too long.

    • Thanks for this perspective…it is very helpful. I will check out the books for sure, they sound useful. I do feel that I often need to find that comfort from others that I am not as bad as he makes me feel. Thanks again for reading and commenting.

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