Constant flow of consciousness….

So I’ve kept my first goal of walking at least three times a week.  So far, so good.  Plus I have been including the kids on several occasions, so it gives me an opportunity to chat with them and connect as well, so BONUS! 🙂

Unfortunately, I haven’t eliminated talking about the ex from my repertoire at this point…something happened and I can’t turn my brain off from thinking about it…and so I’ve talked about it too.

UGH

I hate my brain.

I wish I felt more in control of what goes on inside it…

I was extremely saddened by the news of Robin Williams’ depression and resultant suicide.

It made me consider the implications of thought.  I know in my own mind I have a ridiculously hard time halting thought, especially when emotions are involved – even when I WANT to and I KNOW it is a better path than the one I am currently on – nonetheless, I can’t seem to control.

I often wonder if I am unique in this trait.  Maybe most people are able to “turn off” their brain/thought/emotions…and they don’t feel compelled to talk about them.  Lord knows I know people in my life who are like pulling teeth to get them to talk about anything below the surface.  So why can’t I be more “closed” in that way?  So I don’t offend people, or say things I later regret (even if they ARE true)…

Why can’t I just NOT CARE about some things.

Before you go and say how “good” it is to care, I will have to say that I find my caring to often times create a judgmental side to me because I care too much, and not always in a proper empathetic way, but in a “How could you do/say that?  What are/were you thinking?  What an idiot!”

As though I don’t make mistakes myself.

I think I may have a very skewed view of myself.  That I am something much more “special” than I really am…and I need to find a much more humbling manner with which to carry myself.

The ex was audibly upset when he called to talk to the kids the other night.  So much so, that I felt it necessary to text to ask if everything was alright.  Of course he responding curtly “would it matter”, because really, why do I care?  And honestly, I WAS more curious than concerned.

I think I would like to relish in his “I guess things aren’t always greener on the other side” revelations.  I have heard stories of divorced wives who had the ex return years after to express that they made mistakes and should have stayed with the women they left.  I don’t really even know why I would want this or need this…it’s such a selfish thing…because really, I know I couldn’t nor would I ever want to take him back.

Scenarios go through my head of him becoming all that I had hoped for, wanted, expected, and coming to me humbled and honest and forthright…and there is appeal there…but it’s a dream.

I am so bitter that he took my time from me.  He made it impossible for me to create for myself the kind of life I wanted, and now I feel that he is getting a “do over” of sorts with his life that is not available to me, because what I wanted was what he took from me – nuclear family leaving a legacy for future generations.  He just wants to be admired and accomplished and partnered up for a satisfying physical relationship with someone who hero worships him and tells him what he needs to do when it gets difficult or does things for him when he doesn’t feel like doing them.

I don’t get to go back and re-pick the father of my children so I can grow old with him relishing the memories we’ve made through our lives.  I don’t get to share moments of the kids’ accomplishments with a partner and friend who’s been there for all of them as well.  I don’t get to fall into the arms of someone who wants to protect and love me when I’ve had a particularly trying time with life circumstances…and knows all about me and why it is I react certain ways and can understand me, even if it doesn’t make sense.

See, I even have diarrhea of the typing, not just thoughts and words when I’m chatting with someone.  It really is a problem.

I need to fix the faucet that is my consciousness.

About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own glasses...so this is MY Perspective.
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4 Responses to Constant flow of consciousness….

  1. I have been in this space many times. I have narrowed my ‘discussions’ (about him) down to one friend, my sister and my journal (OK, sometimes I also moan just a little bit to other people).
    i read somewhere that we (the betrayed) never really get over it until there is an acceptance that he is not who we thought he was and did not fit the fairy-tale illusion that we thought we had. Once we accept that we did not ever have the fairy-tale, we can move on.
    I personally think it is more that I still hope that one day he will be nice to me again.
    It is never going to happen. That is still very hard to accept.
    I hear you and I am with you on this one, but I also know that dwelling on it does not do me (ie: us) any good.

    • I’m often befuddled by my own inner thoughts because I think in many ways I HAD determined that we didn’t have the fairy-tale…for the last five years of our marriage it was deafeningly apparent and I had come to somewhat a level of acceptance. We weren’t experiencing a marriage or any type of connection on any levels. I found myself quite definite in asserting (in all honest ways I could) that he, as he was, was not the man I had hoped for my life (and the kids too) and I was unsure if he could ever be that man. I find myself feeling enormously guilty now for having those harsh feelings toward him, yet they were the cold hard truth of what we had created in our marriage out of his dishonesty with himself and me and his avoidance of any uncomfortable emotions and my constant “nagging” of wanting more out of our relationship. Wanting to feel important to him. To feel loved by him. To feel like I wasn’t third on the list. To no avail. And honestly, those feelings are still predominant. So why am I still mired in the constant thoughts…I don’t understand and I wish I could be one of those stronger women who move on and say “good riddance”…because I KNOW it doesn’t do me any good! But I know somewhere I must be getting some sort of payoff for the thoughts/feelings I have, or I guess I WOULD just move on and stop being such a whiney selfish pity party. At least I think only the blogging world sees this persona…I’m pretty good at masking it in my “real” life! 🙂 UGH

      • I know all about those masks 🙂
        I too am finding it hard to ‘let go’ of some aspects.
        In some ways, I think they will always be with me and I am trying to learn instead how to bring them along with me without them overwhelming me. That is the key.
        (Now where did I put that key?) 🙂

      • haha…I hear that! I’m getting better at it not overwhelming me, but there are days still sometimes…as I’m sure you are well acquainted with! Thanks for commiserating as always! 🙂

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