The women in my family have trouble with emotions. They are so close to the surface. They come through at inopportune times whether we want them to or not. It makes for passionate personalities, and tissues required at all even remotely sappy events.
I feel things.
With my overactive thinking brain, emotion tends to wend its way through all aspects of thought. It can make things difficult. It DOES make things difficult for me.
The most difficult thing for me is brushing the feelings of inadequacy. Trying to find the positive in a truthful way. Seeing my life for what it is, and being happy and secure in who I am and what I believe in.
I don’t understand why it is easier for others. I read blogs of all the people who have positively moved forward from their divorces. Who have found security. Who have forged new positive relationships with their previous significant others.
And I wonder what is wrong with me. Why am I unable.
I don’t feel bitter. Actually, I don’t really feel anything for him, so long as I don’t have contact with him. I lead my life just fine when he is absent from my thoughts and interactions.
Then something comes up because, you know, we share these amazing kids.
I want to feel good will towards him…but my emotions and our interactions create a circular situation.
He’s an ass.
And I question if I’m doing something wrong.
I doubt myself.
I wonder if it truly IS me…my inability to be “forgiving” and my inability to accept my own truth.
How do people do it?
How are optimistic people so quick and easy to move forward and see everything as a ‘learning’ experience and not have residual emotional fall out.
What is it that keeps me mired in my emotional reality that I so badly want to escape from or ‘grow out of’?
What makes other people so easily ‘cured’ while I desire to not be the whiny pathetic emotional wreck inside?
Don’t misunderstand me…I’m not a depressed basket case. Most people in my life have little idea that I am as tortured by my emotions. I am a successful teacher. I have a strong network of friends and acquaintances and a thriving community around me.
I just want to feel happy.
Not just ‘act’ happy.
It seems elusive to me, and I don’t understand why. I try to ‘behave’ my way. It just doesn’t stick.
Emotion can be a curse.