I’m coming to realize that I’m not becoming the person I want to be. I’m holding myself back. I carry the weight of my failures and shortcomings. I wonder how things are going to be better. I feel the burdens of the house, my job, my responsibilities as a mom, bills, the impending financial changes, the impending uncertainty of the move…
the living of a life that is responsible for so much more than it seems I can handle.
Yet I stay quiet.
The people around me, they all see the front. They see the witty joking coworker…the determined problem solving teacher…the frustrated ‘keep it all together’ mom…the supportive “team mom”…
…what I see is the underneath failings. How I don’t have the social group supporting me. How when the weekends come without my kids I spend them alone even though I would LOVE to have a fun flirty companionship. I feel that there is something wrong with me that the dating sites don’t work for me…that I must be somehow broken…and all the guys I’d be interested on there can see it…right through me. Smell the desperation the emptiness.
And then I go back to the idea that I’m not really working on myself to BE a person that someone would WANT to be involved with…
I haven’t been active with exercise of any sort in longer than I should and I’m starting to feel the results in my waistband.
I’m not getting out where I could reinforce social connections…I’d love to be hanging with friends, live music or sporting events…with a group, you know…one that I feel connected to…not like I can go to those things by myself in an effort to ‘find’ that group. Most the people I know from work are young families just starting out…not really interested in, nor have the money to get out…other options seem to be lacking.
My faith has floundered and I wish I had a church home…I haven’t felt connected there (spiritually or emotionally) for longer than I would like. Any of the other churches I’ve “shopped” don’t have the right feel either.
I truly just want to run away and start over.
Somewhere that isn’t here.
Somewhere that I can reinvent myself.
Somewhere where I get to call ALL the shots. First off being the fact that I’m even there to begin with!
Somewhere I don’t feel confined.