My story is so different…
not that any story of infidelity is really the same…
Another blogger mentioned the TrueTori show about her husband’s affair and their broken marriage.
The curiosity that killed the cat, yeah, well, it got me to find the show and watch the latest episode.
I feel for Tori. As a woman. I get that her life revolves around cameras and documenting her life. It has always been that way, so I’m sure it is second nature. But I believe the emotions shown. I believe it is unscripted to some degree. At least the most raw moments. What better filming than the raw, base human emotions…it’s like reality television gold I’m sure. And their relationship is full of it at the moment. You can’t have writers make this stuff up better…living in the moment…
So it got me thinking about my situation. (as if I don’t already do this enough)
My husband chose to have an affair. Not a one night stand. An ongoing affair. Not a friend with benefits. An affair that led to a woman telling me she believed their relationship was brought together by God. (seriously?)
I’ve looked back on our relationship. It was broken. I was angry and hurt and withdrawn. I had built a shell around myself to try and protect what was left of my core. I felt justified in doing so. I had done so much for him. I had given so much for him. I had nothing left. I asked him to recognize, he pacified. There were gaping holes and he tried to cover them with band-aids. I sought him, he retreated. So I sought the company of others I could call family. And I made a good life for myself as a married single woman with three kids in many regards. He was the “absentee” husband and father. Resentments built. I shoved my own feelings away in an effort to maintain the family unit. There were so many families I knew who had disappointing marriages, I figured this was just the way it was.
What a horrible statement about life…
I figured this was just the way it was.
I guess it can get soooo much worse.
Because this is worse.
This place where I find myself believing that my chance at the true life love story and beating the odds and finding a man that loves me and our kids and wants to make a family and a history and leave a legacy of relationship is no longer possible.
I’ve dated. It’s so…I don’t know…surreal…like this is happening to some other person.
None of the men have really made it past the initial stages of “how are you” before it’s “yeah, not so much”…
I have high standards. I do believe I deserve truth. I believe I deserve friendship that transcends.
I just don’t believe that it exists for me.
My chance was blown…like it was on life support and then they finally just pulled the plug.
It makes me ultimately sad and lonely.
Not that I wasn’t sad and lonely in my marriage.
But there is a finality and a defeated-ness that didn’t exist when we were still married before he decided he could do all the things he needed to do with some other woman.
I know I need to move past this.
I know I need to be strong. And I am. I am for my kids.
But I also feel resentful that I want something for me too.
Not just being a mom. Even though I love being a mom more than any other thing on this earth.
But I know I don’t just want “anything”…I don’t want to just settle and fill the void with just “something/someone”.
So dating is futile…and so very frustrating…
And dealing with the ex on a regular basis just leaves me feeling hollow again.
I have this belief that the perfect guy for me is the one that is already married…he’s busy being a best friend to his wife and a great, present father to his kids…he’s making an impact on the lives of his family.
Because that is who I wanted.
Not who I had.
And I am doubtful that I will find him, because unlike my ex’s paramour, I DON’T believe that God brings together people who are already married to other people for a different kind of “happily ever after”.
Great post. What you don’t say in words is that you still have hope for your personal happiness. That’s faith, that’s guts and that is wonderful. Don’t lose that.
I’m working on increasing the hope…it ebbs and flows. Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂
You have no idea how much this post really speaks to me and made me cry.
Sometimes I feel like it’s hopeless and that all I ever AM doing is what you said, filling the void with just someone… anyone.
Love is there but, how much? How much of it is just loneliness and me not wanting to be alone?
And I’m just always alone. Miserable.
I feel like I can’t stand it anymore …. 😦
Sorry I made you cry…I know those raw emotions below the surface that can cause that though…hang in there.
The years are always just below the surface! 😦
i know exactly what you mean at trying to protect what was left of your core… im glad for it now tho… because looking back, i was doing more than just protecting it i was building it as well, gosh knows what i would be like now if i had twisted myself around trying to please him instead.
and i agree, you cant write that! its funny, i thought i would regret watching that… but yeah, very surprised at the disgust i felt towards him. i also got a glimpse of what people who havent been through what we have may think in hearing our story or reading our blogs… it was quite surreal…
My first husband had a lover. I knew it, I tried and one day he simply said he wanted a divorce. I was miserable for a long time, but one night, a man kissed me. I didn’t plan for it, it just happened and the next morning I had the realization that I was worth something to someone, one day I would find that again. Each journey is different, one can’t truly empathize until being in those shoes, though we wish it on no one…hang in there, it will happen, when its time and he will be your best friend in every way you want.
Thank you for reading and commenting…I have hope that I still have a destiny that will be fulfilling. Somedays it is stronger than others. 🙂
I love how you understood to keep your inner core, even when you were unhappy in your marriage. hold onto that. It is you and you alone who will make your life the happy life that you deserve.