My story is so different…
not that any story of infidelity is really the same…
Another blogger mentioned the TrueTori show about her husband’s affair and their broken marriage.
The curiosity that killed the cat, yeah, well, it got me to find the show and watch the latest episode.
I feel for Tori. As a woman. I get that her life revolves around cameras and documenting her life. It has always been that way, so I’m sure it is second nature. But I believe the emotions shown. I believe it is unscripted to some degree. At least the most raw moments. What better filming than the raw, base human emotions…it’s like reality television gold I’m sure. And their relationship is full of it at the moment. You can’t have writers make this stuff up better…living in the moment…
So it got me thinking about my situation. (as if I don’t already do this enough)
My husband chose to have an affair. Not a one night stand. An ongoing affair. Not a friend with benefits. An affair that led to a woman telling me she believed their relationship was brought together by God. (seriously?)
I’ve looked back on our relationship. It was broken. I was angry and hurt and withdrawn. I had built a shell around myself to try and protect what was left of my core. I felt justified in doing so. I had done so much for him. I had given so much for him. I had nothing left. I asked him to recognize, he pacified. There were gaping holes and he tried to cover them with band-aids. I sought him, he retreated. So I sought the company of others I could call family. And I made a good life for myself as a married single woman with three kids in many regards. He was the “absentee” husband and father. Resentments built. I shoved my own feelings away in an effort to maintain the family unit. There were so many families I knew who had disappointing marriages, I figured this was just the way it was.
What a horrible statement about life…
I figured this was just the way it was.
I guess it can get soooo much worse.
Because this is worse.
This place where I find myself believing that my chance at the true life love story and beating the odds and finding a man that loves me and our kids and wants to make a family and a history and leave a legacy of relationship is no longer possible.
I’ve dated. It’s so…I don’t know…surreal…like this is happening to some other person.
None of the men have really made it past the initial stages of “how are you” before it’s “yeah, not so much”…
I have high standards. I do believe I deserve truth. I believe I deserve friendship that transcends.
I just don’t believe that it exists for me.
My chance was blown…like it was on life support and then they finally just pulled the plug.
It makes me ultimately sad and lonely.
Not that I wasn’t sad and lonely in my marriage.
But there is a finality and a defeated-ness that didn’t exist when we were still married before he decided he could do all the things he needed to do with some other woman.
I know I need to move past this.
I know I need to be strong. And I am. I am for my kids.
But I also feel resentful that I want something for me too.
Not just being a mom. Even though I love being a mom more than any other thing on this earth.
But I know I don’t just want “anything”…I don’t want to just settle and fill the void with just “something/someone”.
So dating is futile…and so very frustrating…
And dealing with the ex on a regular basis just leaves me feeling hollow again.
I have this belief that the perfect guy for me is the one that is already married…he’s busy being a best friend to his wife and a great, present father to his kids…he’s making an impact on the lives of his family.
Because that is who I wanted.
Not who I had.
And I am doubtful that I will find him, because unlike my ex’s paramour, I DON’T believe that God brings together people who are already married to other people for a different kind of “happily ever after”.