I had a whole 1000+ word post I was starting…
…and it was all rooted in the past.
Feelings about what happened in my marriage.
More evidence to support that I was miserable, but willing to make it work and evidence of how I continued to try and make my needs known to unhearing ears and unmoving actions. My bitterness that came through in my actions and feelings toward my ex.
I keep wondering why I can’t seem to get past feeling angry or depressed or bitter on a semi-regular basis. Why these feelings seem to keep holding me hostage.
I’m not missing the man my ex is/was…
I certainly DON’T want him back.
I’ve forgiven the affair…I wasn’t terribly surprised in many regards.
Besides, the two of them deserve each other…anyone who is willing to be that kind of person, I wouldn’t want to be with anyway.
So I’m tired of feeling angry.
I’m out of energy to put toward this negative chain of events in my life.
I don’t enjoy being bitter…yet I don’t know how to get past this…
…and then it occurred to me that everything I’m most upset about has already happened. It’s over. Past. Done. There is NOTHING I can do about what has already passed. I can’t get back all those dreams and possibilities for my life. I can’t change that my ex was never going to be the person I most wanted. I can’t change that the father of my children is not someone I can respect, because he has never prioritized his family or his children.
I get evidence DAILY! Maybe this is why it is so hard getting past this…today it was dropping the kids off early because he had an out of town trip for work. The drop off time started at noon, but got backed up to 8:30 am due to an unknown “drop dead time” (his words)… Fast forward to 2:30 this afternoon…my daughter wanted to ask him a question, so she called. Guess who was magically available? No international flight was taking place…yet…guess that “drop dead time” never came like he expected.
Earlier this week it was a request at 7 am for availability in the evening (upon the kids’ request) that he didn’t even respond to until it was already 4:30 and other plans had already had to be arranged…he responded with a short “I do not” (have availability) and no commentary regarding why the request was even made.
Saturday morning it was blame put on me for not attending a meeting with the realtor selling our house this spring…I’m the blue…starting at Yesterday 9:41 AM…
And did I forget to mention the phone call Saturday afternoon where I requested he figure out the lowest possible price he was going to be able to accept for the house if we were going to have to take a loss and bring money to the table (an amount to be split 50/50 mind you)? When he asked me what my amount was and I said up to $10,000 he about flipped his lid and made it seem as though I was doing this (the sale of the house) in an effort to stick it to him…I CAN’T AFFORD A HOUSE WE BOUGHT ON HIS SALARY!! Even WITH the money he pays each month, it’s no where near what his salary was…
If I could eliminate him from my life, it would make things so much easier. He makes everything 10 times harder then it has to be. Always pointing the finger that I have somehow done something personally against him.
But my problem is…I let him.
In my mind.
I let him.
He gets under my skin.
I don’t know how to make that stop.
I wish I did.
It is natural to go over the past regarding what happened or did not happen in your marriage. I have found that writing does help. I found in the earlier days, once I wrote about something, then I could let go of whatever it was. So maybe that 1000+ word post does need to be written. If you think it was rooted in the past and you want to move into the present or future, then write exactly that and put that positive spin in at the end of the post. That will give you a goal to aim for.
I still spiral down in waves and when I find myself spiralling down, at the root of it is because I am again focussing on him (what he did/ didn’t do, is doing / not doing, is saying / not saying; should be doing / not doing), rather than focussing on my own self-improvement, my children, and things in life to be grateful for. That is when I take stock (or try to), and begin at the beginning. By the beginning I mean the REAL beginning with my own basic needs of a healthy diet and exercise programme, focussing on my home as my sanctuary and connecting with loved ones. Then I move upwards to my own self-development programme. As times goes one, the spirals downwards are becoming less and less, and the movements upwards stronger and stronger. What is that they say ‘fall down seven times, get up eight’ (or something like that).
You are doing really well. Having younger children than myself makes it more difficult. Focussing on the children and your new nuclear family of you and them (plus any extended family) and providing a safe and caring home for them will become your strength. Best wishes.
I know the spiral all to well. I’m hoping I’m on at least my sixth “fall down”! lol Thanks, as always, for reading and commenting.