Letter from the Paramour…with my personal comments within

“I sent this msg to you Friday through FB.  Apparently you didn’t get the message so I am using the email address on FB to email you.  I’d like to caveat your conversation with [your ex] to state that this email was from me, for me, to provide facts from my perspective.  And WHY pray tell do I NEED to have “facts” from your perspective?  I have my ex’s facts, or are you asserting that maybe the facts as you see them are maybe different than he sees them?  And if so, shouldn’t that seem like a problem to you?

It’s long overdue that I write to you to provide some clarity to your perception of me.  I don’t know that I need any clarity regarding my perception of you…as my perception of you is just that – MY perception.  Out of respect for [your ex]  and the backlash what backlash? me telling him yet AGAIN that I don’t wish to have any type of relationship or communication with his girlfriend that was his mistress? that he may receive from me contacting you, I chose to defer contacting you, hoping you would choose to meet me and we could clear the air what exactly does that mean?  “clear the air”? to eventually focus on bigger perspectives, which is to be positive and loving influences on your children.  You can be, and should be since you’re now involved in my children’s lives, a positive influence – but you don’t need to have my permission for that – as for me, I am ALWAYS a positive loving influence on them – I’m their mother.  As you know, [your ex] and I have gone through some turmoil the past few months am I supposed to feel sympathy toward you about this?  I am not responsible for it – that’s between you and him and I am at a point that I feel the need to respect me and my children. I would hope that as a mother you would ALWAYS endeavor to respect your children (and yourself, though we have evidence that maybe that doesn’t always happen) Although this town is large, it is a very small world and I would like to go on record with some facts to protect who I am as a person as I have worked extremely hard to obtain my reputation (is that what it’s called when you sneak off to some unsavory place to have sex with a man that will be returning home to his children – whom he’s lied to – “working hard to obtain your reputation?), and be the best mom to my children I can be.  Tongues are powerful and can spread negativity if we let it – there were many things that happened a long time ago.

Putting myself in your shoes, with the information I believe you have the only information I have is what my ex gave me…is that somehow different than the information he gave you?, I can understand how you blame me for the overall demise of your idealism of a family/marriage.  However, you don’t have all the facts from many years ago and bluntly, you haven’t asked.  Why would I need/want to?  Couldn’t my ex give me any details/facts that I desired…so if I ASKED for them, I would get them?  When I met [your ex], we became friends.  I was under the impression that you two were operating under a divorce in place, what the hell does this mean? pretending to be cordial I wasn’t pretending.  I WAS cordial. and assisting each other with everyday children duties; any sort of marriage-like behavior (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) had been gone for many (completely 2, but partially at least 4 years prior) years.  I was informed that both of you were unhappy but pushing forward each day for the kids – lying about your real situation for fear of the how the kids would react to not having their parents living together on a daily basis.  [Your ex] and I talked about the situation and I encouraged him to try to work things out as I believed that he still loved you and wanted an in-tact family.  Interesting perspective…not sure how much I believe that it wasn’t self serving to gauge where his feelings for you were leaning  I was informed that this was not an option as he believed you made your intentions clear what intentions were those? Because when my ex and I discussed the state of our marriage, I adamantly declared that I was not interested in pursuing a divorce, though I did feel that we were in a state of emotional divorce and you both were operating under a divorce in place – not asking questions and not really discussing each other’s lives.  [Your ex] shared information from you, with me, to support and validate that your intention was to keep pretending for the kids and not to participate in marriage-like behavior.  It was my understanding that it was only a matter of time before physical separation (outside the home) would that be “outside the home” that he took out a loan and signed ownership of while he was with you? would occur but that both of you were afraid to make the move.  I was never afraid of divorce.

I apologize for how the situation came to light (my ex and I had been separated for months and he had just finished with girl number four that he introduced to my children and was upset that I was happy).  Looking back, I should have cut things off with [your ex] and told him to contact me when physical separation (out of the home) occurred.  This would have made things “cleaner.” No, this would have made things a bit more MORAL…but I’m not the one bringing God into this at this point… Blaming me for not being able to repair your “emotional divorce” is an outlet for rationalizing the truth.  I have never blamed you for not being able to repair the emotional divorce, that’s between my ex and I…but the circumstances of my ex choosing to start a life with you certainly had an effect on whether we could find a way to repair…so you are a factor.  That IS the truth.

(I think it is also important to note that [your ex] only met my children twice, as I did not want to expose my children to someone I was dating as their father routinely introduced them to women.  The first time he met my children, their father brought them home unexpectedly.  My children were very young during this timeframe (ages 2 and 4) and my ex was having difficulty with the children.  The second time was my birthday, in October.)  Honestly, I don’t care what decisions you make with regard to raising your children.

I understand where you were between August and October 2011, trying to convince [your ex] to reconcile with the e-mails, phone calls, pictures.. believing that I was some evil woman trying to exert my adulterous persuasion onto him.  I was not “persuading” him to do anything.  I wasn’t in the background whispering sweet nothings in his ear, or speaking ill of you.  I am not the monster you would like to believe I am. Did I say I thought you were a monster? I don’t believe I have EVER spoken to you or contacted you or anything else in the three years you have seen fit to join my ‘family’  It wasn’t until I recognized his different pattern of behavior that I put pieces together; he had been talking to you for almost a month behind my back.  Behind my back?  Really?  Because I was told that you two were no longer together after the initial ‘cat out of the bag’…I guess that’s where your truth and the ex’s truth diverge…but I digress…what about the MONTHS of sneaking around you did with my husband before I even KNEW of your existence…oh, sorry, that doesn’t count, it’s in the past, we need to let bygones be bygones.  The night that you requested to try to see where things would go, and to cut things off with me, he was supposed to come to my house.  I was waiting for hours… no return phone call, and no [your ex].  He finally called hours later and told me what he had done, and that he was committed to reconciling with you.  I am not asking you for empathy yeah, it kinda sounds like you are as I’m sure you felt entitled as the “wife” to exert these behaviors and do you disagree? should a mistress’ or paramour’s or girlfriend’s feelings trump a wife’s under these circumstances?  I am just providing background.  no, you’re trying put me in my place that YOU are the entitled one here, and YOUR feelings are the ones that should be considered I called him some names knowing he was making an emotional decision, wished him well, and did not contact him again.  Interesting…did you forget? because he let me see the texts you sent…and offered to let me listen to the phone message you left…and I was on the phone with him when you chose to ‘drive past his apartment’ to offer him coffee one weekend when he had the kids  He contacted me almost two months later after trying to reconcile things.  I agreed to talk, and honestly, it was difficult getting over the hurt of it all. oh goodness, I can only imagine your pain…SERIOUSLY??? I prayed God would help me to forgive him and although I didn’t forget, God led us no, God didn’t lead you…that would mean that you believe God DIDN’T lead a husband and wife to reconcile their family…and he DID lead a man and woman to have sexual intercourse out of wedlock – while at least one was STILL LEGALLY MARRIED!!  what Bible are you reading?  must be some new wave thing…I’ve not seen that version to being involved in a serious relationship two months later.

[Your ex] and I were very adamant that we not involve our children until we were sure about where we wanted to go with things.  Is this why you told my kids in Feb., went on family vacation in June, and moved in together in October? And if you’re so sure, why aren’t you ALREADY married or something? There is a history of both good and bad.  Many people called us crazy for not moving in together right away or not involving the children.  I don’t know these “people”, but I’m going to guess it’s the ones that you can surround yourself with that will tell you that what you’re doing is right and they support you 100% even if what you’re doing is DEAD WRONG!!  (actually, I think I’ve already written a blog about these people…) The perception of some was that neither one of us were fully committed to the relationship because we did not want to yet involve the kids  But, we put the children first Really??  I’m literally LOL!!  funny they don’t seem to see it that way…nor do I to ensure that the children knew that their parents would always love them, and they are important.  Our decision to move in together occurred after being in a serious relationship for well over a year oh, well in that case, what the hell was I thinking…of course you have my blessing to move my children into your house of ill repute– and the decision did not occur until after our camping trip in September 2013.  We both were scared of what it may bring, but also believed many signs pointed to taking that next step.  the signs were that you were already essentially living together when the kids WEREN’T there, so why not live together all the time…what a waste of money for an apartment that only sees people two weekends out of the month, right? When we moved in together, given the space that was available, [your ex] and I tried to determine what would be the best fit for the space, alone time with him, separation from younger kids if it became too much, and a welcoming environment.  I was excited to get to know your children more and help facilitate a positive, loving environment for all involved.  As you are well aware, your children were not happy in the living situation.  Your children are older than mine so logically they would have a more difficult time dealing with either of their parents being with someone else – just as my sister and I did.  No, their issue isn’t with my ex being with someone else…their issue is not being a #1 priority to him…and they see you as ONE of the many culprits that has taken that away from them, the only one that even daydreams of having her mom and dad together is the youngest who doesn’t really even remember what it was like when we WERE together at this point Although younger, my children also had difficulty, and still do, but in trying to forgive their dad and myself for a bad marriage and mistakes, him and I both helped the children to see that we were not a good fit, and my ex supported [your ex] with his words.  I don’t need to support you, nor do I need to bash you, honestly, I don’t really give much regard to you at all where my kids are concerned…(My ex and I outwardly argued in front of the children as he was an emotional abuser, which he admits to the children even to this day.) Great for him? I guess? I don’t really get what pertinence this has on anything?  I know that there is still a lot of difficulty with your children accepting that [your ex] has a girlfriend with children, yeah, my kids don’t really care for your little girls…they are annoying and spoiled in my kid’s opinions…and truly, they are jealous that they have taken away their dad’s attentions for even a moment…that attention that is so scarce to come by enough as it is and there is probably animosity towards me from you for being [your ex’s] girlfriend given the history of the situation.  animosity? nah…ROFLMAO…but in some degree of reality, I’m not really that resentful of you in the grand scheme of things…I just wish you would leave me alone to raise my kids and deal with my ex in the ways we need to for their sake…which DOES NOT require me to be ANYTHING to you – my ex’s GIRLFRIEND!!  [Your ex] did what he thought was right by his kids, trying NOT to be his father, he made the decision to move out. that was his ONLY smart decision in the past several years…and truly I gave him credit for it…see here…but now I see he is back to his typical disappointing actions  It is now very apparent that it wasn’t just the living situation, but [your ex] having a girlfriend in general that your children dislike.  you make it sound so simple…if only… As [your ex] has informed you, me and my girls were extremely hurt um, I’m sorry? again, am I to feel some sort of residual responsibility here and feel sympathy towards your situation? but saw the bigger perspective of [your ex] getting to spend more time with the kids, and working on communicating with the kids about the situation.  Our “together” event last week was the first event since the children moved out, yes, and the first activity after my ex expressed to them that the two of you BROKE UP!!  how utterly confusing for them…and just more evidence to them that while he portends that he wants to ‘put them first’ and mend their relationship, he is only willing and interested in doing so under his own agenda for his own gain – his lack of ability to sacrifice for others was one of the major issues within our marriage, go figure… and was at the request of my oldest, who wanted to see your children.  My children love your children as much as I.

So, why is all of this important?  What’s in it for you?  Well, nothing really.  It’s about your children.  no…this entire message is about you. NOT about my children.  My children are managing JUST FINE with me…it’s their relationship with THEIR FATHER that is strained and struggling…and believe me, I do what I can to help them figure out the best ways to approach their difficulties and manage their feelings.  I do NOT have to have/create/foster a relationship between them and you any more than I should feel responsible for the relationship they have with their father – he left – it’s no longer my job, as I am no longer his wife  The events that occurred, occurred two plus years ago.  There was hurt on MANY sides.  It is my belief that it is completely unhealthy to live in the past focusing on hurts and fears that have occurred. I don’t try to live in the past.  I live honestly in my current…truly I don’t have enough time to look over my shoulder that much…I have three amazing and BUSY kids 75% of the time, a full time job, household responsibilities, and my own personal life to keep up with…I truly don’t want to focus any more attention on you. I try hard not to focus on past hurts, I endeavor to help guide my children through the turmoil of their CURRENT issues regarding you, their father, and their relationships with the two of you…that’s my job. God wants us to prosper in the moment, forgive, and love.  If [your ex] and I want to continue down a path of being together, this means being involved with each other’s children. Obviously, but that does NOT mean that it must include ME in any way This also means living in the present, not in the past, or fearing past hurts.  We have and will continue to ultimately strive for being positive influences in the children’s lives, and loving them no matter what happens.  I pray everyday that God helps us all through the acceptance phase.  What is there that you feel the need to accept?  I believe this is your last ditch “bitch slap” across the face to try and put me fully and completely in my place because you know I don’t accept you…I never will…nor is it required.  AND THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME A BAD PERSON, it makes me human and in my humble opinion…completely reasonable.”

I will not be responding in any way directly to her.  Or directly to my ex.  I am merely using this as my internal filter monitor so that I don’t speak anymore about the situation at hand by giving advice to my ex about how he is choosing to approach the situation with his kids, or his paramour.  Whew…deep breath…now that THAT is all out of my system…I can proceed and continue to hold my head high.  I have MY Perspective, and I’m okay with it.

Thanks for reading…

About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own glasses...so this is MY Perspective.
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