A Letter from the Paramour

I received this after having another conversation with my ex about how his actions have damaged our kids.  How his paramour will never be anything other than the woman that he chose to leave his family for regardless of the state of our marriage at the time he chose to leave and cleave to her…and that the way he has gone about things has shown the kids that they don’t come first for him…I am in a place where I want to respond, but not to her.  That wouldn’t accomplish anything.  But my mind won’t let go of so much of what she has said…so this is my forum.  I have removed names (replacing with descriptors instead) expressly to maintain a level of anonymity.  After the shock of the contact wears off…I will repost with my comments spread throughout.  Until then, let me know what YOU think of this communication…maybe I’m looking at things through the wrong glasses…hope to hear some good feedback.

I sent this msg to you Friday through FB.  Apparently you didn’t get the message so I am using the email address on FB to email you.  I’d like to caveat your conversation with [your ex] to state that this email was from me, for me, to provide facts from my perspective.

It’s long overdue that I write to you to provide some clarity to your perception of me.  Out of respect for [your ex]  and the backlash that he may receive from me contacting you, I chose to defer contacting you, hoping you would choose to meet me and we could clear the air to eventually focus on bigger perspectives, which is to be positive and loving influences on your children.  As you know, [your ex] and I have gone through some turmoil the past few months and I am at a point that I feel the need to respect me and my children.  Although this town is large, it is a very small world and I would like to go on record with some facts to protect who I am as a person as I have worked extremely hard to obtain my reputation, and be the best mom to my children I can be.  Tongues are powerful and can spread negativity if we let it – there were many things that happened a long time ago.

Putting myself in your shoes, with the information I believe you have, I can understand how you blame me for the overall demise of your idealism of a family/marriage.  However, you don’t have all the facts from many years ago and bluntly, you haven’t asked.  When I met [your ex], we became friends.  I was under the impression that you two were operating under a divorce in place, pretending to be cordial and assisting each other with everyday children duties; any sort of marriage-like behavior (physically, emotionally, or spiritually) had been gone for many years.  I was informed that both of you were unhappy but pushing forward each day for the kids – lying about your real situation for fear of the how the kids would react to not having their parents living together on a daily basis.  [Your ex] and I talked about the situation and I encouraged him to try to work things out as I believed that he still loved you and wanted an in-tact family.  I was informed that this was not an option as he believed you made your intentions clear and you both were operating under a divorce in place – not asking questions and not really discussing each other’s lives.  [Your ex] shared information from you, with me, to support and validate that your intention was to keep pretending for the kids and not to participate in marriage-like behavior.  It was my understanding that it was only a matter of time before physical separation (outside the home) would occur but that both of you were afraid to make the move.

I apologize for how the situation came to light (my ex and I had been separated for months and he had just finished with girl number four that he introduced to my children and was upset that I was happy).  Looking back, I should have cut things off with [your ex] and told him to contact me when physical separation (out of the home) occurred.  This would have made things “cleaner.”  Blaming me for not being able to repair your “emotional divorce” is an outlet for rationalizing the truth.

(I think it is also important to note that [your ex] only met my children twice, as I did not want to expose my children to someone I was dating as their father routinely introduced them to women.  The first time he met my children, their father brought them home unexpectedly.  My children were very young during this timeframe (ages 2 and 4) and my ex was having difficulty with the children.  The second time was my birthday, in October.)

I understand where you were between August and October 2011, trying to convince [your ex] to reconcile with the e-mails, phone calls, pictures.. believing that I was some evil woman trying to exert my adulterous persuasion onto him.  I was not “persuading” him to do anything.  I wasn’t in the background whispering sweet nothings in his ear, or speaking ill of you.  I am not the monster you would like to believe I am.  It wasn’t until I recognized his different pattern of behavior that I put pieces together; he had been talking to you for almost a month behind my back.  The night that you requested to try to see where things would go, and to cut things off with me, he was supposed to come to my house.  I was waiting for hours… no return phone call, and no [your ex].  He finally called hours later and told me what he had done, and that he was committed to reconciling with you.  I am not asking you for empathy as I’m sure you felt entitled as the “wife” to exert these behaviors.  I am just providing background.  I called him some names knowing he was making an emotional decision, wished him well, and did not contact him again.  He contacted me almost two months later after trying to reconcile things.  I agreed to talk, and honestly, it was difficult getting over the hurt of it all.  I prayed God would help me to forgive him and although I didn’t forget, God led us to being involved in a serious relationship two months later.

[Your ex] and I were very adamant that we not involve our children until we were sure about where we wanted to go with things.  There is a history of both good and bad.  Many people called us crazy for not moving in together right away or not involving the children.  The perception of some was that neither one of us were fully committed to the relationship because we did not want to yet involve the kids  But, we put the children first to ensure that the children knew that their parents would always love them, and they are important.  Our decision to move in together occurred after being in a serious relationship for well over a year – and the decision did not occur until after our camping trip in September 2013.  We both were scared of what it may bring, but also believed many signs pointed to taking that next step.  When we moved in together, given the space that was available, [your ex] and I tried to determine what would be the best fit for the space, alone time with him, separation from younger kids if it became too much, and a welcoming environment.  I was excited to get to know your children more and help facilitate a positive, loving environment for all involved.  As you are well aware, your children were not happy in the living situation.  Your children are older than mine so logically they would have a more difficult time dealing with either of their parents being with someone else – just as my sister and I did.  Although younger, my children also had difficulty, and still do, but in trying to forgive their dad and myself for a bad marriage and mistakes, him and I both helped the children to see that we were not a good fit, and my ex supported [your ex] with his words.  (My ex and I outwardly argued in front of the children as he was an emotional abuser, which he admits to the children even to this day.)   I know that there is still a lot of difficulty with your children accepting that [your ex] has a girlfriend with children, and there is probably animosity towards me from you for being [your ex’s] girlfriend given the history of the situation.  [Your ex] did what he thought was right by his kids, trying NOT to be his father, he made the decision to move out.  It is now very apparent that it wasn’t just the living situation, but [your ex] having a girlfriend in general that your children dislike.  As [your ex] has informed you, me and my girls were extremely hurt but saw the bigger perspective of [your ex] getting to spend more time with the kids, and working on communicating with the kids about the situation.  Our “together” event last week was the first event since the children moved out, and was at the request of my oldest, who wanted to see your children.  My children love your children as much as I.

So, why is all of this important?  What’s in it for you?  Well, nothing really.  It’s about your children.  The events that occurred, occurred two plus years ago.  There was hurt on MANY sides.  It is my belief that it is completely unhealthy to live in the past focusing on hurts and fears that have occurred.  God wants us to prosper in the moment, forgive, and love.  If [your ex] and I want to continue down a path of being together, this means being involved with each other’s children. This also means living in the present, not in the past, or fearing past hurts.  We have and will continue to ultimately strive for being positive influences in the children’s lives, and loving them no matter what happens.  I pray everyday that God helps us all through the acceptance phase.

About Making Sense from MY Perspective

I have a problem...I see myself through the eyes of my ex...and his glasses are not really the most flattering. I really need to get my own glasses...so this is MY Perspective.
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12 Responses to A Letter from the Paramour

  1. 1wyrdsmith says:

    Wow. And I thought my husband’s and my exes were crazy. 😛
    The first thing that strikes me when I read this – she feels guilty for her behavior (as she should) and wants your forgiveness and acceptance. Too bad, so sad. The second thing is that your ex seems to have told a whole pack of lies to both of you. Regardless of whether you and your ex were ‘operating under a divorce in place’ (what the hell does that even mean?), he was still married to you. The adult thing to do would have been to separate from you, move into his OWN place, work it out with your kids, and THEN introduce her.
    And she seems to want your sympathy about taking him away from her on a night when you two were trying to reconcile. Wow.
    If it were me, I wouldn’t respond at all. She’s looking to engage you in a conversation/argument and make you look like a bad person, wrapping it all up in the guise of ‘let’s be nice for the children’s sake.’
    Good luck!

    • I think you’re absolutely right about her guilt…she’s hoping she can assuage it by getting my acceptance in some way. That’s not a gift I feel the need to give her. Politeness is my only gift…because I’m an adult and I can choose who and what I choose to allow into my life. When I asked my kids if it would make things easier if I were friendly toward her …they gasped and my 14 year old replied that it would just be creepy. lol Enough said. 🙂

  2. pabloswife says:

    I’d tell her to fuck herself!!

  3. I have nothing but disgust for her and her email. Sorry, but I’m not sorry, when someone contributes to the breakdown of a marriage and the destruction of a family they can say whatever they want and I don’t buy it.

    Pabloswife was a bit more blunt, but I understand it as I have ZERO tolerance for affairs and the b.s. that goes with them.

    Blah, blah, blah…she can save all that nonsense for someone else who is willing to hear it.

    (((Hugs))) to you because I’m pissed for you.

  4. I am amazed at the universality of the cry of the affair partner that they thought that the marriage was for all intended purposes over. Even if the transition was real, any self-respecting human being would not engage with someone in a ‘transition’ situation. They would allow some distance. It also annoys me when people say we must let bygones be bygones, ‘live in the present’ and behave well to each other ‘for the sake of the children’. They are able to commit adultery, but because that is in the past, we all must move on now for the sake of the children.

    How have I coped?
    Firstly, I thought of myself and my own values and the type of person I want to be. I have tried at all times to act with grace (respect for others) and dignity (respect for myself).
    I have tried not to engage in back and forth arguments as they worse than useless. They make me feel bad about myself.
    Secondly, I have focussed on my children and grandchildren and rebuilding my own nuclear family with me as the mother at its centre. I have encouraged as much contact as possible with our extended family – aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, to make that the blueprint of all our lives; so that they know that love abounds, that there are all these people who care for them.
    Even though my children are older, this contact with the extended family has been a saving grace for them through this period of turmoil.

    • Elizabeth,
      I agree with you 100% about the fact that people say bygones must be bygones and live in the present! “Let’s just forgive and forget all our bad behavior and move forward. But you must also forget all the current behaviors that I continue to make because I’m not truly going to choose to take a different path that may be more moral or appropriate because it isn’t the one that makes me feel good!” I appreciate your perspective on how you have coped. I am trying everyday to move forward to make the day better than the one before. You are an inspiration. Thanks for reading. 🙂

  5. I think no response is the best response. It’s done now. More processing what happened…well, that would stir me up, that’s for sure, and keep me stuck.

  6. So tempting…Good for you. You are not the one to absolve her of guilt or make her feel better. She will have to come to terms with herself IMHO. Pluses about her choice, maybe, and also minuses. Very brave of you.

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